Thursday, January 28, 2016

Slow Clap, Mattel! It Only Took Half a Century, But Barbie Finally Has Junk in Her Trunk

Well I'll be Jenna Jameson's silicone nipple.

It only took as long as Alaska's been a state,* but Mattel finally put some junk in Barbie's trunk, and made versions of her with different skin tones and different colors and textures of hair.

From Time magazine comes the exclusive cover story that Mattel--makers of the iconic and controversial doll that heretofore resembled a Las Vegas stripper of inhuman proportions--has at last implicitly acknowledged that women who are not thin, white, and blonde draw breath on Planet Earth. 

No more will my daughter look quizzically back and forth from her saggy, hirsute, brunette mother to her hand-me-down Barbie dolls with a confused look on her face.

I guess Mattel needed to do something about Barbie haters, i.e., millennial and Gen-X moms like me, whose parents and grandparents were up in their grills 24/7 about how fat they were, and who decided they weren't going to traumatize their kids with the same bullshit but rather just accept them for who they are.

As the mother of a chubby second grade girl who has already been called fat multiple times in school, I couldn't be happier about this. Paige sometimes shows interest in Barbies, and I might actually fall prey to Mattel's latest marketing maneuver to get her that one on the right in the yellow skirt. It actually looks a tiny bit like her, minus the arms which are somehow still twigs.

Mattel isn't doing this to be nice, of course. Barbie sales shat the bed and went into free-fall last year, likely because most moms in 2016 don't want to give their daughters one more reason to barf up lettuce three times a day and pop laxatives like M&M's in order to look like Kate Moss. 

Not like my kids need any more plastic crap, either, mind you. But if Paige begs for "curvy barbie," I might be inclined to capitulate simply to support the concept. 

It only took 60 years and a bunch of shitty fourth quarter returns, but Mattel finally got half a fucking clue about Barbie. 

Slow clap, Mattel. Suhloooooooooooooooooooow clap.

*Alaska became a State on January 3, 1959. Barbie debuted in March of the same year.



BarbieCurvy_Original
BarbiePetite_Tall

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