Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Scientists Have Discovered that Donald Trump Communicates Using a Complex Series of Clicks and Whistles

Do animals cry? The question has intrigued animal behaviorists for years, since humans--among the most intelligent animals and the only ones created in God's image---often resort to tears to express emotion. 

That's why I was surprised to read in Jezebel that Donald Trump "is familiar with the concept of crying but has not engaged in it himself," claiming not to have cried since he was one year old.

Today, scientists from the University of New South Wales have published a groundbreaking study in the journal Combover, in which they hypothesize that Donald Trump actually transmits information using a complex series of clicks, whistles, grunts, groans, thwops, snorts, and barks similar to that used by whales and dolphins to communicate with one another in the wild.

Most humans produce sound by "expelling air through the layrnx." Like his cetacean relatives, Mr. Trump differs in this regard by producing "rapid bursts of high-frequency clicks and whistles" which are translated into tweets used to echolocate supporters. 

A specialized organ lodged between the politician and business mogul's soft palette and nasal cavity is responsible for creating a unique vocabulary--one only he and those who propagate his messages by widely disseminating them with approval on the internet seem fully able to understand.

It is thought that this highly sophisticated system of communication is used to suss out great business deals; giant, inexpensive walls; Mexican drug-dealing rapists; Muslim terrorists; fraudulent birth certificates; lazy black criminals; Jewish bean-counters; generalized losers; good golf courses; beautiful, flirtatious women rated at "ten" or above; and their ugly, fat, lesbian pig foils who are menstruating and have blood coming out of their whatevers.

A combination of four to six units of these tonal sounds is known as a tweet, and six units or more is a sub-tweet or re-tweet. Also like his cetacean relatives, Mr. Trump sings "virtually the same song at any point in time and the song is constantly and slowly evolving over time. For example, over the course of a month a particular unit that started as an upsweep (increasing in frequency) might slowly flatten to become a constant note. Another unit may get steadily louder."

A collection of these sounds is available for download on iTunes and provides a great background soundtrack for a baby's nap-time, a yoga or meditation class, and/or an impromptu standoff with the federal government.

Donald Trump Is Familiar With the Concept of Crying but Has Not Engaged In It Himself 

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