Sunday, January 24, 2016

Frustrated Planet Earth Reacts to Declining Price of Oil With Magnitude7.1 Earthquake

ANCHORAGE

Planet Earth responded to the declining price of oil this morning with a magnitude 7.1 earthquake centered in Cook Inlet southwest of Anchorage, Alaska's most populous city.
 

Reached at its home in the Milky Way galaxy early Sunday morning, the 4.5 billion year-old mass of aluminum, magnesium, silicon, and other elements on the Periodic Table expressed frustration with the precarious position of Alaska's economy.

"I just thought it was time to shake things up a little," Earth said. "Have everyone wake up and smell the coffee." 

And by "wake up," Earth meant literally wake everyone up at 1:00 a.m. from Fairbanks to Juneau. And by "smell the coffee," it meant realize that oil is both in over-abundance and running out, and we had better figure some shit out here real quick before a bunch of spilled Gatorade at Carrs on Huffman becomes the least of our problems.

"Also," Earth added hopefully, "I thought an earthquake might dislodge a little extra North Slope crude that's stubbornly buried deep within my fossil record." 

Asked about its choice of magnitude, the planet made clear that it wanted to get everyone's attention without presenting too many grave threats to life or property.

"7.1 is the right range for that, I think. Anything less is just a temblor no one cares about, and anything more seems a little harsh--at least at this point. I mean, right now I'm just sort of trying to let people know I'm pissed both about the way I've been treated and our energy dependence issues."

Neither President Obama, Sarah Palin, nor Kim Kardashian and Kanye West--each of whom is suspected to have had an independent role in provoking the planet into its most recent convulsion--could be reached for comment.

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