Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Why Does Facebook Think I Need Artificial "Personal Lubricant?"

This is what I ask myself between the crushing guilt I feel at having failed to timely donate to the office holiday food drive and the self-hatred I experience at yet again having eaten cake for lunch.

What twists and turns of Interwebs searching and posting have led the Facebook ad gnomes to their unshakable conviction that I'm a likely consumer of K-Y "personal lubricant?"

A little over a year ago, Facebook tried to sell me on K-Y's "surprising sensations," despite the fact that the last thing anyone at my age and stage of life needs is any surprises, much less in the form of "sensations."

They obviously know I'm female, and yeah, OK, fine. Maybe I've made fun of Viagra and Cialis commercials a few times. I mean, that one with the two silver foxes soaking in their separate claw-foot bathtubs in a field while watching the sunset simply cannot go unremarked upon. I can't even with that ad.

This ad makes no effing sense though. 

If all you need to get your motor running is an Adam Levine lookalike to nuzzle you on the nose during dinner, why would you need help from K-Y? In that case, a "little touch" is not, in fact, "all it takes." Nor does "simply snuggling close to the one you love keep your desire thriving." Not if you're buying K-Y. If you're buying K-Y, it's precisely because dinner, snuggling, and a little touch aren't all it takes. To the contrary, it takes some slimy artificial lube, but I guess they don't want to say that. 

They'd rather pretend that the consumers of this product don't actually have the exact problem they're purchasing the product to resolve. Just like every dude on a boner meds commercial looks like he's got the libido of a porn star and everyone washing their face with acne cleanser looks like they've never had a zit in their lives.

I'm not saying that some chicken stir-fry and a creepy bro-chokehold would instantly tune me up for a rampage in the sack, but nor can I say I've ever needed "personal lubricant" to get the job done either.

Sorry, Facebook. You're way off base on this one.


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