Tuesday, December 29, 2015

When I Say I Wanna Netflix and Chill, I Actually Mean I Wanna Pass the Fuck Out Watching "Best of Gangland"

My biggest "why-couldn't-this-be-real" moment of 2015 was when Ted Cruz allegedly hosted a contest for donors on his campaign website in which the grand prize was a trip to Houston, TX to "Netflix and chill" with the Republican presidential candidate.

Sadly, like 99% of the shit you read on the Interwebs, this turned out to be a hoax. But it made me think about the whole "Netflix and chill" thing, which b-t-dubs, for my fellow old lady mom-jeans wearers who might not know this, means to fuck your side piece with Netflix on in the background, a.k.a. casual sex. Don't make me spell it out for you. I just did though. You're welcome.

Anyhoo, my definition of "Netflix and chill" is much more literal and much less salacious and exciting. When I say I wanna "Netflix and chill," I do not mean I wanna turn on Netflix only to instantly dive-bomb the sack.

No sirree. When I say I wanna Netflix and chill, here's what I mean.

I mean I wanna pour myself a coffee mug full of dry Honey Nut Cheerios and dump them down my throat with one hand while picking up the Apple TV remote with the other. 

Then I wanna click past Hulu and iTunes until I get to Netflix. Then I wanna exit the Kids profile in which the "recently watched" items are Octonauts, Wild Kratts, and Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse. 

Next I wanna navigate on over to the normal adult profile and find "suggestions for you." Then I wanna look at and reject all of Netflix's shitty suggestions for me. Then I wanna peruse Netflix's original content, select "Master of None," and get annoyed 17 minutes into the first episode. Then I wanna resign myself to the Netflix-licensed TV shows from History Channel and A&E, like Alien Files Unsealed and The First 48 before I settle on The Best of Gangland.

Then I wanna PTFO like a skid row junkie on the couch and wake up to some talking head going off about the Hells Angels versus the Mongols and which group has claimed which part of California as its territory before wiping the drool off my face and hauling my sorry ass off to bed.

That's what I mean when I say I wanna Netflix and Chill.

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