Monday, December 28, 2015

Pimpin' Ain't Easy in a 2005 Subaru Forester With 125K Miles On It

Biggie Smalls said it a long time ago: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems. And ain't that the truth. 

I know.

'Cause while most ballers and shot-callers in Juneau are rollin' up in a brand new whip that their bae just bought them for Christmas--like a 2016 Benz on 24-inch rims and a hydraulic lift kit all wrapped up in a big red bow and gifted to them in their circular driveway with a "tada!" flourish of a lifted blindfold--I roll DEEP in this tricked-out 2005 Subaru Forester.

That's right, BITCHES! Do NOT disrupt my flow! I'm strapped up with a 16 oz moldy Contigo travel mug of lukewarm re-heated coffee and ready to bust skulls ALL DAY, ERR DAY. Here are just some of the sick features of this ride:
  • 125,000 miles and counting
  • Upside down T-shaped crack spreading across entire front windshield
  • Peeling faux-leather seats
  • Missing front passenger-side floor mats
  • Black mold embedded in every seat belt
  • Shocks that let you feel every single piece of gravel you drive over
  • Climate control system that results in ice and snow INSIDE the vehicle (see photo)
  • Whisper-quiet ride in which you hear the wind whistling through every loose joint
  • Latch of back hatch broken to the point that whole back storage area of car is rendered useless, unless you load your shit up in there through the back seat
  • Crayons and marker designs adorning backseat upholstery
  • Countless bumps, dings, dents, and scratches
Whenever I park this beast after work, I go right inside and demand a Grey Goose martini with a TWIST because that is how you DO in a '05 Subaru, baby! 

Calm down, calm down. Yeah, I'll letchoo drive it  . . . MAYBE.

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