Tuesday, December 8, 2015

ICYMI: There's a New Star Wars Movie Coming Out

It's a good thing you read this blog, otherwise you might never know that there's a new Star Wars movie coming out December 18. 

Disney, which recently bought the rights to the Star Wars franchise for $4 Billion (Billion) (Yes, Billion) USD, has been disappointingly passive in marketing the newest Star Wars film. At the rate things are going, this flick will be a total sleeper and no one will ever see it due to lack of product placements and tie-ins.

If only there were at least SOME such placements and tie-ins for Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I'm thinking Nestle Coffee Mate, Crest toothpaste, Covergirl mascara, Chrysler cars, Subway sandwiches, Duracell batteries, HP laptop computers, Adidas sneakers, Lucky Charms and Honey Nut Cheerios cereal, Pottery Barn bedroom furniture, Crocs sandals, Kraft macaroni & cheese, and Johnson & Johnson Band-Aids.

Because none of these exist. 

Disney is in cahoots with the rest of corporate America to make sure you never see this movie and never spend a single dollar on it or anything associated with it.

If you're having a baby soon, please make sure that the obstetrician or midwife is dressed like Princess Leia and pulls the baby out using Boba Fett forceps. Also, if you have the misfortune to experience a death in the family between now and Christmas, consider burying your loved one in a coffin designed to look like the Millennium Falcon or storing their ashes in an urn modeled after R2D2.

Only when the reach of Star Wars marketing literally extends from cradle to grave can we as a society feel assured that this movie will be seen by anyone in this galaxy or beyond, and that we are spending enough money on it and all the crap associated with it.

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