Monday, December 21, 2015

Hipster Chocolate-Gate is Making My Fucking DAY Right Now

I'm not proud of this, because I know that gentrification is a complex, nuanced urban phenomenon with its pros and cons, and that every human being is an individual who should be judged--if at all--on his or her own merits.

That being said, if there's one category of people against whom I harbor a seething, generalized resentment, it's bearded white millennial hipsters from Iowa who move to New York City and price me and all my friends--along with every single bodega owner in the five boroughs--out of the town we grew up in with their artis-anal retentive "bean-to-bar" chocolate bar stores.

Which is why I experienced no small degree of schadenfreude when a fellow gentrified-to-the-brink-of-bankruptcy New Yorker alerted me to a sweet, delicious, creamy, organic, locally-sourced, free-trade ESCANDALO bubbling up in the proverbial copper kettle of the NYC hipster foodie scene.

As reported in Jezebel, the Guardian, and elsewhere, it turns out that two of the aforementioned bearded millennial hipsters from Iowa essentially got caught allegedly melting down a bunch of Hershey's Kisses, wrapping them in some fancy paper from Papyrus, and selling the final product for $10 a bar to peeps in Brooklyn who both know and apparently give a shit what a "bean-to-bar" chocolate bar is.

Rick and Michael Mast--a.k.a. the "Milli Vanilli of chocolate" (as a muck-raking blogger so awesomely dubbed them in his four-part EXPOSAY) defended the integrity of their chocolatiering practices by insisting:
Any insinuation that Mast Brothers was not, is not, or will not be a bean to bar chocolate maker is incorrect and misinformed. We have been making chocolate from bean to bar and will continue to do so.
PADOW, cacao! Or as we used to say in pre-gentrified NYC, OH NO DEY DIDN'T!!!

Not BEAN-TO-BAR gate? This is better than any imaginable episode of Portlandia. Next thing you know, we'll have a kernel-to-chip-gate over artisanal tortilla chips; a bee-to-beard-gate over organic bees-wax beard wax; and a sand-to-spectacles-gate over the sand that's used to make the glass that hipsters put in their horn-rimmed eyeglasses.

Here's the thing. 

I'm not defending America's corrupt, revolting, and broken "food" system, but I also don't care if these two literal and figurative bros are lying or not about the "bean-to-bar"-ness of their artisanal chocolate bars. 

There are much more important things going on in the world, obviously. But I hate them, their defenders, and their accusers on principle, simply for caring about this. Thus, I will be watching this nontroversy unfold whilst smiling and eating a bag of mass-produced chocolate-covered popcorn from the Christmas seasonal section at Fred Meyer.

Yum.

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