Wednesday, November 4, 2015

O.H.M. Movie Review: The Lost Boys Is "Quite Simply One of the Greatest Achievements in Film in The Modern Age of Humanity"

I know Halloween is over, but I'd be remiss not to revisit/review the original badass and still-the-best teen vampire flick of all time. My unequivocal respect and undying cinematic devotion go to Joel Schumacher, director of The Lost Boys.

The year was 1987, and no one had heard of that fucking sparkle-skinned pussy Edward Cullen from Twilight, the insufferable Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or that soft-core HBO porn series known as True Blood. No sirree, Bob. These were the days when men were men, vampires were vampires, bros were literally just siblings, and every single B+ 1980's teen celebrity with a pulse was crammed into an ensemble cast about two literal bros (Jason Patric and Corey Haim--NATCH) from Arizona who move to California and end up fighting a biker gang of teen vampires led by a creepy, perpetually sneering Kiefer Sutherland and stalked by a dorky Corey Feldman. For as everyone knows, no film circa 1987 was legit unless it featured both Coreys.


Spoiler alert: The plot is straightforward and awesome, and the score features as its theme song that haunting, early-emo rock ballad, "Cry Little Sister." ("Thou shall not kiiilllll ..." C'mon, sing it with me now). In short: You CANNOT go wrong with this movie.

Jason Patric is in full Jim Morrison-doppelganger-mode and an absolute vision in Ray Bans and a threadbare leather moto jacket. Corey Haim plays his dorky younger brother. Both bros move from AZ to their grandpappy's house in southern CA with their newly-divorced mom, Dianne Wiest. But they soon discover that the beach town they now call home is overrun by a juvenile delinquent biker gang of teenage vampires! 

It's not long before Jason falls in love with Star--Kiefer's girlfriend and a "half-vampire"--played by Jami Gertz. (Side bar: like me, Jami Gertz is a brunette Jew, thus giving me early hope that I too could someday grow up to be smoking hot and stick my tongue in Jason Patric's mouth, despite the fact that literally our only apparent shared traits are brown hair and Semitic ancestry). 

Anyhooooooooo . . . Jason gets trapped by/initiated into the vampire gang, and the actor who played Bill in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure offers him a take-out Chinese carton of white rice that he hallucinates is a bunch of swarming maggots for a second. Against Star's advice, Jason drinks some wine that's actually blood, and the "head vampire" of the whole operation turns out to be Dianne Wiest's unassuming middle-aged video-store-owning boyfriend. Chaos and gore ensue, the biker gang is defeated, Jason and Star return to their human forms, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Here are ten choice public reviews of this amazeballs movie, culled from IMDB:
  • "Definitely most of the charm of The Lost Boys is due to nostalgia, as the movie is now basically a time capsule of the '80's."
  • "The vampire that the kids just trashed didn't really look like Twisted Sister as he did more of a generic 80's metal dude."
  • "A remake would be in order, I think." (This reviewer apparently doesn't realize that The Lost Boys spawned not one but TWO direct-to-video sequels)!
  • "This is a great movie. Not Citizen Kane great, of course, or even Titanic great."
  • "The 80's fashion and haircuts may be scarier than the vampires."
  • "I still watch it if it comes on TV late at night. That's the only real way to watch a pearl like this!"
  • "I have no idea how to reconcile the Joel Schumacher who directed this moody, classic thriller with the idiot who would later ruin the Batman franchise."
  • "Joel Schumacher gets a lot of crap but give the guy some credit. He knows how to make a movie look good."
  • "Some movies should never be messed with and this is one. It's a damn shame that they went and made two really crappy B-grade sequels and an even bigger shame that Corey Feldman starred in both."
And my personal favorite:
  • "The Lost Boys is quite simply one of the greatest achievements in film of the modern age of humanity."
Do yourself a favor and download The Lost Boys TODAY!

Lost boys.jpg

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