Monday, November 9, 2015

Juneau is Being Invaded by Bunnies and O.H.M. Knows Exactly What to Do About It

An attentive reader from far-off Anchorage alerted me to a situation that has until now escaped my attention: Invasive, feral rabbits are running rampant in Alaska's capital city!

According to yesterday's Juneau Empire, someone let their pet bunny loose last year, and since then the bunnies have been fucking like what they are. A bit of bunny biology per the Empire: bunnies can reproduce every 30 days, carry 14 babies per litter, and become pregnant again with a DAY of giving birth! One local bemoaned the decimated state of her garden, commenting that the bunnies have been "repopulating themselves in [her] driveway." In other words, these bunnies are the much cuter and presumably more cuddly rodent equivalent of Michelle Duggar from 19 Kids and Counting.

In response to the bunny plague, state, federal, and local officials have assembled a "Bunny Task Force" to prevent the bunnies from "spreading" from "ground zero" (a population-dense residential area known as the Mendenhall Valley) to delicate nearby glacial ecosystems, and to alleviate pressure on the local animal shelter, which is fast becoming a bunny flophouse. 

The "Bunny Task Force" has called on the public for help ("We just need people's help at this point"). Being a productive member of society who is well-versed in bunnies (having read the Empire article), O.H.M. is happy to oblige with the following brilliant ideas: 

1. Alice in Wonderland Screening: Wait for a clear night. Project a screening of Alice in Wonderland on the sky and wait for all the bunnies to come running to watch. When they do, coax them into waiting cages with a trail of Jelly Belly jelly beans.

2. Raptor Subcommittee: Assemble a raptor-subcommittee of the Bunny Task Force. The subcommittee will travel to the dump and lasso several bald eagles using salmon entrails as bait. The subcommittee will relocate the birds of prey to "ground zero," where they will be set loose on the epicenter of the bunny population.

3. Aerial Carrot Assault: Purchase all the baby carrots in Juneau. Unwrap them and sprinkle them liberally from a small Cessna airplane over the entire Mendenhall Valley. Have the Cessna's pilot circle the area at 500 feet, where a sharp-shooting Fish & Game biologist will tag each bunny with tranquilizer darts from the air. 

4. Cadbury Creme Egg Muses: Remove half of the tranquilized bunnies culled during the aerial carrot assault and mail them with a LIVE ANIMAL sticker to the Cadbury Creme Egg factory in Hershey, PA. Be sure to pack them in that pastel-colored plastic Easter basket grass. Once in Hershey, the bunnies will provide continuous inspiration to the makers of this delicious Easter confection.

5. High School Sexual Education Teaching Tool: Take the other half of the bunnies and divide them between the two local high schools, Juneau-Douglas and Thunder Mountain. There the bunnies will serve as a living exhibition on sex ed and the virtues of birth control. They will subsist on discarded Cheetos and Grandma Utz snack mix from the vending machines in the common area of each school.



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