Thursday, November 12, 2015

If You Really Want to Make Yourself Sad, Do This

A friend who works on climate change issues recently showed me an absolutely amazing online tool. 

Using this link, you can literally enter any location on earth and find out exactly how fucked it is in the face of climate change. Specifically, you can input a place name, and this modeling program will show you on a satellite map how deep underwater a given landmass will be under different warming scenarios. (Spoiler alert: Florida is completely fucked no matter what).

This is an interesting idea, and one that I believe can/should be extended to other catastrophes and non-catastrophes alike. For example, I would like a statistical online tool to project the following:

1. How many reply-all emails to hundreds of people will I need to receive before I can no longer resist sending a reply-all email to hundreds of people that asks exactly what the fuck is going through the heads of people who send reply-all emails to hundreds of people at will.

2. How far in advance of a Presidential election or Christmas will we need to hear from Presidential candidates and/or hear Christmas music, because both seem to be creeping back further and further every year. At this rate, we'll be celebrating Christmas in July and hearing stump speeches from candidates when they're toddlers.

3. How many jars of Nutella will I be able to consume per month before the size of my ass really begins to fully catch up with me?

4. How many times will I have to see this poster before I finally stop sitting at my standing desk. Because as well all know: Sugar is the new tobacco, and sitting is the new sugar. Amirite? (Also: did they have to draw this person so sad and unattractive)?

5. How many times will I see someone using FaceTime in a restaurant before I turn to that person and say, "I think that even in today's completely self-involved and manners-devoid world, it's still poor form to use FaceTime in a restaurant. And that's really saying something."

6. What First World Problems could possibly exceed the triviality of being offended over the color of a cup, lost iPhone contacts, or family passports that are out of sync with each other and thus annoyingly must be renewed on varying cycles?

Please, please, please. Someone invent an online statistical modeling tool for these.

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