Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Truly Your Deleted Items Folder Says Something Profound About You as a Person and You Cannot Push Delete On Your Soul

Deleted Item #1: “Missing Large 3-Hole Punch”: Describes to hundreds of people that a “large 3-hole punch” is missing from the third floor of an office building in a distant city 500 miles away, thus giving you plausible deniability in the disappearance of the office supply. Indicates that you have selected a life path that should cause you to become concerned about the disappearance of a "large 3-hole punch" under mysterious circumstances.

Deleted Item #2: “MBMcAfeeSaasReport”: An automatically-generated weekly report of spam received which is--in and of itself!--spam. Indicates that you live in an Internet-era version of a short story by Franz Kafka, wherein you would be unsurprised to awake one morning as a computer virus.

Deleted Item #3: “Glacier Swim Club Weekly Update”: A weekly update from your child’s swimming organization. Indicates you are a scatterbrained, inattentive parent who is only putting your child in swimming lessons so she can get some exercise and learn how not to drown.

Deleted Item #4: "Fun Run/Walk Reminder": A reminder that at some point in the not-too-distant-future, some people you work with will be doing a charity fun run/walk in a distant city 500 miles away. Indicates your belief that the words “fun” and “run” should never appear in the same sentence, not even when they rhyme. Further indicates that you are a lazy, antisocial shitstain.

Deleted Item #5: “Your AT&T Bill is Now Ready for Payment”: An electronic version of your AT&T bill that you pay automatically anyway. Indicates that you are a dumbass sucker with a smartphone and an email address who, like every other similarly situated dumbass sucker with a smartphone and an email address, is literally paying for air and receiving weekly salt-in-the-wounds electronic reminders of that fact.

Deleted Item #6: “New Arrival: Spartacus is Now on Netflix”: An alert that Spartacus is now on Netflix. Indicates that Netflix doesn’t know you at all, thereby confirming your growing suspicion that, as a general matter, you are deeply misunderstood.


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