Thursday, October 15, 2015

Jason Mraz is a Fucking Liar

Don't let his cute little Jughead-from-Archie, innocent, alt-folk-rock, easy-on-the-eyes-face, tousled hair, and hipster fedora fool you, because Jason Mraz is a stone-cold pathological liar. Do you know how I know? Because he said seven years ago that he was mine, and guess what? He is still NOT mine!

Let me explain.

In 2008, Jason Mraz released a hit single called "I'm Yours." It was--and still is--ubiquitous in airports, elevators, coffee shops, and on the radio. In this song, Jason claimed that I was so hot that he melted, and that nothing but divine intervention was gonna stop him from giving it his bestest. He said he wouldn't hesitate no more, and encouraged me to open up my mind and see like him, open up all my plans and then damn, I'd be free.

He told me to look into my heart, where I would find love, love, love, love, love. And that it was my God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved (presumably by him). He told me to scooch on over closer "dear" and he would nibble my ear. And apparently, he was in a hurry. He said that time was short, and that there was no need to hesitate, and that this oh this oh this was our fate, again emphasizing several times that he was mine.

Well needless to say, it's now 2015 and these promises have gone unmet despite repeated calls to Jason's publicist and record label. There has been no ear-nibbling at all. Not even a single sweet-nothing whisper! I guess he's been too busy touring the world, being a vegan, protesting human trafficking, advocating for LGBT rights, and tending to his 5.5 acre avocado farm in California.

Well Jason, if you're reading this, please understand that organic guacamole can't replace love. You can send me all the avocados in the world, (because at least you know you can't find a decent avocado in Alaska), and that's all well and good. I like avocados. Who doesn't? But you didn't promise to send me avocados. You promised that I would be yours. Your song is called "I'm Yours," not, "Ima' Send You an Avocado." And let it be noted that you haven't even done that much.

So the next time you "spend way too long checking your tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer," look a little harder, because you said that tongue would be in my ear, and all it's delivered is a whole shitload of lies for the better part of a decade. 

I just hope that when your breath fogs up the glass and you draw a new face and you laugh, you also start to cry, because you are now finally forced to confront in your reflection the true depth and extent of your broken promises.

I've Tweeted this blog post to your official Twitter account and I expect a response!







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