Earlier this week, Juneau Police Department Officer Brent Bartlett rescued a tiny, injured northern saw-whet owl from the middle of the road here in Juneau. O.H.M. has obtained an exclusive interview with the unnamed and ungendered raptor, the full transcript of which appears below.
First of all, let me just say you're completely tiny and adorable.
Thank you, thank you. In all fairness though, the northern saw-whet is one of the smallest owls in North America, at least the last time I checked Wikipedia with my giant owl eyes. We're about the size of the American robin, so even though I'm just out of the nest, I'm not going to get much less cute even as an old man/lady owl.
So, what exactly happened out there, if you remember?
[Laughs/Squawks]. Honestly, I don't remember much. They tell me I was pretty disoriented and had "head trauma." They think maybe I hit the windshield of a car, whatever that is. I know that morning I'd seen a deer mouse out of the corner of my eye and flew off a branch to grab it with my talons. Next thing I knew, I was in Officer Bartlett's latex glove. I was pretty much shitting pellets not knowing what was going to happen next.
You mentioned Officer Bartlett. What would you say to him, if you could actually talk, I mean, and O.H.M. wasn't just making up everything you were saying?
Well obviously I owe my life to the guy. I mean, he puts his own life on the line out there every day. Cops have gotten a pretty bad rap in the press lately--not without very good reason mind you. But I'd like to think of Officer Bartlett as "one of the good ones."
How has life changed for you since your accident and ensuing fame?
I like to keep things real, and I guess I'm trying hard not to let any of this get to my recently-traumatized head. I'm just happy to be alive honestly. I will tell you that Ellen called though, and my people at the Juneau Raptor Center are in talks to get me on her show.
Speaking of the Raptor Center, how are they treating you?
Great. great. Couldn't be better. I get fed three meals a day without even having to perk up my highly sophisticated vertically asymmetrical ears to precisely localize my prey by hearing alone. I basically just wait for someone to give me a vole. I feel like a total baller!
What are your plans once you're re-released into the wild?
Jaime [Rountree of the Raptor Center] has said that's a "wait-and-see game, unfortunately." So I might just be here for the long haul. Right now I'm just taking things day by day. Ok. Gotta fly off. I have an interview with the Alaska chapter of the Harry Potter fan club.
Thank you, thank you so much.