Thursday, October 1, 2015

If You Thought Humanity Could Sink No Lower . . .

Then think again! 

Because "tech entrepreneurs" have just invented an app called "Peeple" that would let users "rate every single social, professional, and sexual interaction" with everyone they meet, without their knowledge or permission. 

According to reports, "Peeple" would allow users to "give human beings a score as if they were a dodgy B&B." Sounds like Jared Rutledge and Jacob Owens of Waking Life Espresso were just a few weeks ahead of their time.

My question though is why stop there? I mean, if we're going this route, let's really GO there. Let's invent some apps that REALLY get to the absolute nadir of the human condition. 

Here are five, just for starters:

1. Refugee Rush: This is an online video game app that's actually an interactive reenactment of the global refugee crisis. You can play with other gamers around the world, choosing from war-torn countries like Syria, Afghanistan, and Eritrea. You have to cross the ocean in a "plastic boat," get through armed police barricades, fill out byzantine immigration forms, and generally try to survive. You win the game if you gain citizenship in an EU nation and a minimum wage job.

2. Foreclosure Monkey: This app tracks foreclosures in courthouses around the country. Savvy real estate investors can snap up great deals and flip houses on the back of other people's misfortune with one swipe to the left.

3. Cellulite Tracker: This app works kind of like Shazam does for music. You hold it up to a person at a restaurant or a nightclub and, using a series of embedded biometrics, it instantly calculates the target's body mass index from as far as ten feet away. People can do a pretty good job of hiding their fat and it's often kind of a bait and switch when you finally get them into bed. So this app is the perfect solution for sizing up future lovers and/or the competition.

4. Salary Estimator: From the makers of Cellulite Tracker, this app works much the same way. You hold it up to a person and it uses your cell phone antenna to detect embedded chips in their credit and debit cards, thus instantly revealing clues to the target's net worth.

5. Schadenfreude: At the end of the day, people are all about taking pleasure in the misfortune of others and stepping on top of each other to get what they want. This app gets right to the point. It lets you keep a running tally of all the ways in which your network of friends, family, and co-workers are failing. You can rate people on dozens of categories of misfortune from bankruptcy, disease, infertility, firings, house fires, all the way on up to death--without their knowledge or permission of course. Although if they're dead, presumably they're no longer using social media.

Come on "tech entrepreneurs!" Quit sleeping on these genius ideas. There's MONEY to be made out there for fuck's sake!



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