Thursday, October 22, 2015

Draco Malfoy Sues Trey Gowdy for Identity Theft


In a case that promises to test the boundaries of international copyright and property law, fictional Harry Potter villain and British citizen Draco Lucius Malfoy has sued U.S. Congressman Harold Watson "Trey" Gowdy III of South Carolina's fourth congressional district for identity theft.

Mr. Malfoy's spokesperson, Tom Marvolo Riddle (better known as Lord Voldemort), told O.H.M. that "Draco has been carefully monitoring Mr. Gowdy's appearance and career for years, and their similarities are well-documented. There's even a Twitter hashtag devoted exclusively to their resemblance. But Mr. Gowdy's leadership in the Benghazi hearings was the last straw. We felt that Mr. Gowdy's public witch-hunt finally justified legal action. Draco believes Mr. Gowdy is tainting his villainous brand by emulating him without permission."

Among the similarities that Mr. Malfoy claims constitute identity theft on the part of Mr. Gowdy:
  • Perfection of cold, terrifying, and vaguely sociopathic American Psycho/Aryan Nation look.
  • Smug arrogance.
  • Has lots of money.
  • Preference for formal attire.
  • Distaste for Muggle-born mudbloods.
  • Mr. Gowdy joined scholastic honor society "Order of the Wig and Robe" in law school, the equivalent of Slytherin House.
  • Tendency to surround himself with goons, cronies, and nefarious hangers-on.
  • Calculating attempts to get enemies in trouble.
  • Wears "Harry  Hillary Stinks" button everywhere just like Draco did when he was supporting Cedric Diggory over Harry to win the Triwizard Tournament.
  • In chairing Benghazi panel, copied Draco's role in Professor Dolores Umbridge's "Inquisitorial Squad" to expose purported wrongdoers at Hogwarts.
Mr. Gowdy was occupied with inquisitorial activities at press time, and could not be reached for comment.

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