I am the mighty and embattled web browser Internet Explorer, and I will not go down without a fight. I refuse to meet the same fate as floppy discs and those ink-jet printers that used perforated paper and fell into obsolescense before me.
While the new-fangled Google Chrome might be the preferred browser of entitled and tech-savvy millennials, I still live prominently on the desk tops of grandmas and government workers everywhere. In fact, I remain the default browser of choice and even necessity for these demographics! And Firefox? Don't get me started on that harlot.
Just last year, a random, obscure online publication called "Softpedia" declared that I was "much more popular than Chrome and Firefox" and "clearly the top leader of the browser world."
Wanna know why? No? Well who cares. I'm going to tell you anyway. I'll tell you in one word. I am an EXPLORER! I am in the same league as Ferdinand Magellan and Neil Fucking Armstrong! What's Chrome? A gray colored metal. What's Firefox? Nothing. A fox with its tail on fire? I mean, who do these two-bit upstart browsers think they're dealing with? Yeah, Windows 10 is rolling out "Microsoft Edge." Oh what. You haven't heard of it?
I rest my case.
I am--and remain--the DOMINANT web browser in the WORLD. And even though I'm the substandard product of an antitrust-violating monopoly, slower than a land snail on quaaludes, and suck harder than a super massive black hole in outer space, people are used to me and can't get rid of me for reasons that remain unclear but that continue to inure to my benefit.
In short: I am--and will continue to be--In. Your. Fucking. Face.