Scientists are unsure whether it's the warming climate or simply some low-pressure, straight-up fuckery moving in from the middle of the country, but the current field of presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle is shaping up to be the largest and most devastating assault of choadesmokers ever to touch down on American soil.
"Our first indication that this was really serious was Tom Brady's public endorsement of Donald Trump for president," said David Sampson, chief meteorologist for NOAA. "We can't say for sure how long this barrage of penises will last, but it's safe to say the onslaught of cocknballs is going to wreak havoc on the nation at least through November 2016. We strongly urge folks to take whatever measures necessary to stay safe out there."
Storm surges from notorious and especially dangerous dickmunches Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee are expected to batter the south, although the disappearance of Rick Perry has downgraded the event from a category 5 hurricane level dickfest to a mere strong tropical typhoon of assclowns.