Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Cease and Desist Letter to The Klondike Road Relay from The Klondike Ice Cream Bar Company

September 15, 2015

Sport Yukon
attn: Klondike Trail of '98 International Road Relay
4061 4th Avenue
Whitehorse, YT/Y1A 1H1
CANADA

To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to our attention that your organization--a loose affiliation of smug, fit Canucks by the looks of it--is running a road relay that poses a direct threat to our ice cream brand. Please consider this letter a formal warning to immediately cease and desist use of the Klondike name in all your activities, now and in perpetuity.

While we recognize that Klondike, Yukon is a region of the Yukon Territories in northwest Canada east of the Alaskan border made famous by a 1898 gold rush, "Klondike" is obviously much more synonymous in this century with cheap, mass-produced American ice cream bars, and that's where we come in.

According to your race's website, the relay "offers breath-taking scenery, team camaraderie, physical challenge, and gracious northern hospitality," and "follows the trail of the Gold Rush Stampeders over the famous White Pass, through British Columbia, and into the Yukon."

Well, your race and everything it stands for--fitness, outdoor recreation, Canada, so-called "camaraderie"--directly contravene the values of our target demographic: clinically obese, lonely, middle-American troglodytes who enjoy eating a brick of chocolate-covered ice cream the size of a toddler's board book while watching The West Wing alone after midnight.

Our trademarked Klondike Bar can be traced back to Switzerland. The original was handmade by dipping square slices of ice cream into pans of rich, delicious Swiss milk chocolate. As you may be aware, in 1982, we launched a nationwide advertising and publicity campaign with the tag "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" (TM). 

Today, the Klondike Ice Cream Bar is as American as apple pie, but even worse for you, if that is possible. Klondike Bars come in Rocky Road, Krunch [sic.], Dark Chocolate, Oreo, Reese's, Heath, Mint Chocolate Chip, Caramel Pretzel, Cookie Dough Swirl (New!), Neapolitan, Double Chocolate, and--of course--Original.

But you wouldn't know that, obviously. 

Because if your participants and our customers were mapped on a Venn diagram, there would be zero overlap between them. We know this from Facebook and Instagram, on which photos from your most recent race (held on September 11-12, 2015) have been proliferating at a breakneck pace. Teams of tight-bodied, square-jawed, almost exclusively white people aged 18-60 are wearing colorful spandex, smiles, and racing bibs that have made an absolute mockery of everything the Klondike Bar represents.

So as to the eternal-since-1982 question, "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" (TM), there is only one correct answer as far as Sport Yukon is concerned: Immediately cease and desist use of the Klondike name.

If we do not receive a response from you within two weeks, we will consider taking all remedies available to us under the law, up to and including aggressively marketing our trans-fat laden sugar pucks directly to your athletes so that they are no longer physically able to run in your race.

Sincerely,

Klondike Ice Cream Bars, Inc.

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