Friday, September 25, 2015

12 Productive Things John Boehner Can Do With His New-found Freedom

Every dude who publicly quits doing anything nowadays always claims he wants to “spend more time with his family.” That’s a laudable goal, but it's also extremely boring and probably not true. 

Personally, I think the soon-to-be-ex-Speaker of the House can do better than that. Which is why O.H.M. is offering John Boehner a dozen suggestions of productive things to do with his new-found freedom:

1. Become a paid lobbyist for the-men-who-are-unfortunately-named-things-synonymous-with-slang-term-for-erect-penis lobby (e.g. Peter Dix, John Cox-Weiner, Dick Johnson, etc.).

2. Add an audio feature to official Wikipedia page emphasizing correct pronunciation of his last name is “BAY-ner. It's BAYNER for the last frickin' time!”

3. Finally give up and legally change last name to Bayner.

4. Commit to a deeper shade of orange by starting own chain of tanning salons and new line of tanning products called “Boehner’s Bronzers.”

5. Three words: Abortion clinic escort.

6. Go to medical school. Become OBGYN.

7. Roll out new stand-up material at open mic nights on Ohio strip mall comedy club circuit (“Fillibuster?! I hardly know her!” Badum-dum-CHHH).


8. Get job at cosmetics counter at J.C. Penney; Specialize in application of male foundation, guy-liner, and tear-proof mascara.  

9. Voice own caricature on South Park.

10. Mount campaign to have face put on some denomination of U.S. currency.

11. Lovingly make scrap book of sappy Tweets and prepared statements issued by colleagues in wake of surprise resignation. Decorate with trimmings from Hobby Lobby.

12. Start boy band with Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor, and Harry Reid. (Cantor is totally "the cute one.").


John Boehner official portrait.jpg

1 comment:

  1. Edit #9: "9. Voice own caricature on Rick and Morty."

    ReplyDelete