Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Thich Nhat Hanh Quotes Rewritten for Reality

I love the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. If you haven't noticed, his wisdom is forever a source of pithy quotes on the Interwebs. And all of his advice is great, but I think at least some of it should be adapted to better fit reality. I've taken the liberty of doing that here by adding just a few words to Thich Nhat Hanh's sage insights:
  • Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. This is also a very good song by The Police. Seriously, it's really stood the test of time, don't you think?
  • You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. That way is to repeatedly listen to a song that reminds you of that person, look at your phone every 15 minutes hoping you didn't just miss a text from that person, and try very hard to resist sending that person a long, angry email chastising them for ignoring you.
  • Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet. And please be sure to spray the inside of your boots with Dr. Scholl's deodorant spray because no one likes making out with someone who has bad breath, not even the Earth.
  • Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful. I mean, life could be even more beautiful after a six week treatment of Crest Whitening Strips, but whatever; that's neither here nor there.
  • Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive. The few who do have reached down between their legs while giving birth and, at an OB nurse's direction, felt the top of her baby's head while screaming like a maniac and praying for death.
  • There is no way to happiness--happiness is the way. Except there are certain things like drugs and alcohol that can take you to happiness very quickly and you should not hesitate to rely upon them when necessary to achieve a sense of profound albeit fleeting tranquility.
  • Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos--the trees, the clouds, everything. Think about that, no, I mean, REALLY think about that the next time you eat a bag of White Cheddar Pirate's Booty and a Diet Coke. See what you did there? You basically just said a big FUCK YOU to the trees, the clouds, and everything, you irredeemable ingrate.
  • Understanding means throwing away your knowledge. And by that logic, Donald Trump is a genius who understands everything and should be President of the United States.
  • When you begin to see that your enemy is suffering, that is the beginning of insight. Usually, the very first insight you have is that your enemy just kicked your ass.
  • If your love is only a will to possess, it is not love. Unless you have the will to possess the new Mac Book Air, because that shit is dope and you will love it for reals.
  • There is no enlightenment outside of daily life. And there's not much enlightenment outside of The Daily Show either, so it's a shame Jon Stewart is retiring.
  • Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed. So get out your awareness flashlight and shine it directly on your bills in the hopes that they will be transformed into "paid in full."
  • May our heart's garden of awakening bloom with hundreds of flowers. If you are allergic to flowers, sorry, but your heart will remain in an antihistamine induced coma.
  • Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment. Secondarily, it comes from bad DNA. Its tertiary cause is assholes.
  • Drink your tea slowly and reverently, especially if it is 'shroom tea because you will laugh hysterically and hallucinate some seriously funky shit.
  • Real love begins where nothing is expected in return. Still, it'd be nice to get some flowers or candy every once in awhile for fuck's sake.

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