Monday, August 3, 2015

O.H.M. Movie Review: "Beyond the Lights"

Ok. So I could NOT resist interrupting my two week blogging hiatus to review this film. This post is longer than usual, because you'd be amazed how much time there is to do nothing on a 10 hour flight.

If you've never heard of (much less seen) this movie, that's probably because it only exists on Delta Airlines and the tattered remains of Minnie Driver's and Danny Glover's resumes.

The rest of the cast in this Bodyguard reboot is for REALS 1:56 of the hottest mess ever to hit the seat-back screen, notwithstanding 81% on Rotten Tomatoes. (Yes, to anticipate your question: an even hotter mess than Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston (R.I.P.) in The Bodyguard. And that's saying something).

A British-born, Hollywood-based, rags-to-riches wannabe Beyoncé named Noni and an L.A.P.D. cop and aspiring politician named Kaz find LUUURRRVE under some rather improbable circumstances: Kaz is guarding Noni's hotel room at the Billboard Music Awards and rescues her from a six story balcony with his Crossfit biceps after Noni tries to take a nose dive to heaven.

See, Noni has had it up to her patent leather boustierre with her Momager (played by Minnie Driver), who has worked her incredulously tight single mom ass cheeks off dragging Noni around to talent shows and pimping out her purple hair extensions and dry hump game to all the major record labels. So Minnie ain't going down like that. Noni's gonna be the next Bey if Minnie has to strap the stilettos on that bitch herself.
Noni has a brand new crib in the Hollywood Hills and wins a Billboard Award, but she's not HAAAAAPPY because she's not being HERSEEELLLLF. She can't handle the music biz BS, like having to fake date her label-mate and Eminem doppelgänger. She just wants to eat fried chicken and be that dorky little girl in glasses with a Frieda Kahlo mustache singing Nina Simone in her formica kitchen again.

And Kaz is just the guy to hand her the mic.

But Kaz has his own issues. There's a Romeo & Juliet subplot here, because Kaz's dad (Danny Glover) is a tired old beat cop who just wants life to be BEEETTTEER for his son.

Specifically, he has an agenda and that agenda ends with Kaz's pic in the Oval Office next to Barack's, and Noni is no Michelle. Kaz is supposed to do a stint on patrol before moving up to politics and changing the world, and he's supposed to do it minus a two-bit skank who looks like a spokesmodel for Forever 21 on his arm.

But guess what gets in the way? You got it. LUUUURRRVVE.

Kaz helps Noni see that she doesn't need all that waterproof mascara and synthetic hair. He takes her on a weekend getaway to Mexico where all that plastic fakery gets tossed away like a half empty bag of week-old tortilla chips.

Next thing you know, Noni is singing Nina Simone at a karaoke bar incognito, with tears draining out of her eyeballs and rocking a 'do that Rachel Dolezal would've traded a year's worth of tanning bed sessions to have for reals.

Noni and Kaz spend the weekend in a montage of bed and beaches, until Momager tracks her south of the border with a cadre of tabloid reporters to make one last run at Noni's career. But Noni is OVER that shit, and eventually Minnie sees the light and lets NONI BE NONI!

The movie ends with airplane-phobic Kaz flying to London to surprise Noni at her Noni-being-Noni festival debut, and they embrace on stage while Momager watches it all go down on a flatscreen from Noni's empty pad in L.A.

The End.

I'd tell you to go out and see this sleeper immedes, but there's just one little problem: you'd have to fly across the Atlantic Ocean to do that. If there was never a "straight to airplane" genre for movies before, there is now.


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