Thursday, August 20, 2015

Obituary: Sex Avoidance Excuses for Monogamous Women, Age 10,000

Sex avoidance excuses for monogamous women everywhere were murdered this Tuesday. They were 10,000 years old.

The suspected perpetrator--a little pink pill that goes by the alias "Addyi" and that was developed by Sprout Pharmaceuticals and bought by Valeant Pharmaceticals for $1B--is in custody at CVS, Walgreens, and Fred Meyer pharmacies everywhere.

Excuses to avoid sex made by monogamous women to their partners lived a long and accomplished life before their untimely death this week. Among the most tried and true of these tragically slaughtered excuses were headaches, gas, exhaustion, menstruation, cold sores, lack of shaving, work commitments, visiting inlaws, broken locks, restless children, and because no.

Until last week, women everywhere used all of the above excuses to reliably avoid sex with their live-in partners of two years or more. Now, Addyi has changed all of that by sending every one of these excuses straight to their grave.

The excuses are survived by their siblings: feigned incompetency with anything mechanical and general refusal to even try fixing things.

In lieu of flowers, please send unwanted side effects that will hopefully provide a new excuse. Because although the murdered excuses can of course never be replaced, swift justice in the form of heart palpitations and low blood pressure would be most welcome.



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