Monday, July 6, 2015

Please Allow This Old Lady Stranger to Explain Why Your Baby is Crying

Oh hello perfect stranger who is waiting for a table in this restaurant! Please allow this old lady to explain to you why your baby is crying. See, I am a woman, and I have a uterus. I have also been around many babies, and even have some of my own. Some of my babies have babies too. Oh I'm sorry, you can't hear me over the sounds of your baby's inconsolable shrieking? Well allow me to offer some insights and explain to you, a perfect stranger, why your baby who is also a perfect stranger is crying anyway.

A baby crying can mean one thing, and one thing only: teething! Your baby is teething and that's why it--I'm sorry--did you say this precious little bundle of joy was a boy or a girl--is crying so hard. Oh you didn't say? No matter. That baby is teething. I'd bet my bottom dollar on it.

On the other hand, it could be colic. My great grand-daughter's cousin's baby had a baby and that baby was VERY collicky. There was almost nothing that could be done. I mean, they tried everything for Pete's sake. Truly everything under the sun. Cod liver oil. Have you tried Cod liver oil? Just a teaspoon does WONDERS for the gums and the digestive tract. Cod liver oil saved that baby's LIFE I tell you.

Oh goodness. Why isn't that baby under a blanket? It must be absolutely FREEZING! Let me feel its forehead. It looks a bit feverish. Oh it's in one of those adorable fleece zip up things with the bear ears! Oh MY. I see those everywhere nowadays. How precious. But heavens to Betsy that baby is ROASTING! No wonder that poor baby is crying so hard.

Have you considered changing that baby's diaper? Certainly it must be wet. Or possibly hungry. Have you considered feeding that baby? From a bottle for the love of God, though. All of this public nursing. Not in my day. No sir. That wasn't for my generation, let me tell you.

Oh I must be going, my table is ready. Good luck with that crying baby. Oh goodness--you're crying now too? My my. Perhaps you need a night nurse. I hear they do wonders for one's beauty rest.


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