Saturday, July 4, 2015

My PhD in Television Shall Not Be Trifled With!

Recently I learned what a "trifle" is. Someone brought one to my house for a dinner party. It's kind of like a British parfait, with berries and peaches and whipped cream all layered in a glass bowl. And I guess that's where the expression "to trifle with" comes from? Who knows. Someone does. Not me. 

Regardless, I've had to tell my kids to quit throwing a metaphorical trifle at me with respect to screen time. Because their pleas for additional screen time above and beyond their allotted amount fall on deaf ears. 

What they don't realize is that their mother was more or less raised by a non-remote controlled television set with 13 channels and no basic cable, and so has the equivalent of a PhD in TV. The struggle was REAL

And yet I persevered. 

I pulled up the straps of my jelly sandals and managed to watch a shit load of TV, despite my extensive limitations. So much, in fact, that I would challenge anyone--my kids included--to trifle with my in-depth knowledge of 1984-1997 TV. Like the next time they ask me for more screen time I wanna say:

Which sister went blind on Little House on the Prairie, which sister married Alonzo, and what was the name of that curly-haired blonde bitch who worked with her dad at the local store? Mary, Laura, and Nellie in that order, SUCKAS!

And who was the hottest couple on Santa Barbara and Days of our Lives? Eden and Cruz and Hope and Beau MOTHER FUCKERS!

And what was the name of the spinoff to The Cosby Show starring Lisa Bonet when she went to college? A Different World, BITCH ASS TRICKS!

And what were the three best shows in the "TGIF" line-up? Full House, Perfect Strangers, and Family Matters; and what did Steve Erkel always say on that show? "DID I DO THAT?" WHAT? WHAT? I CAN'T SEE YOUR BLUBBERING LITTLE FACES OVER THE GLARE OF MY BRILLLLLIANCE!!! I JUST DOCKED YOU A WHOLE EPISODE OF MONSTER HIGH! OOOPS...DID I DO THAT??

You have Netflix, iPads, instant streaming, DVR, on-demand cable and fuck all knows what else. You don't know how good you have it. I basically became a ROCKET SCIENTIST of television using nothing but a bowl, a piece of twine, and a wooden spoon.

So yeah. Your pampered little candy asses get a shitload less screen time than I ever had. Deal with it, and go play outside!


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