Monday, July 20, 2015

I Am Highly Offended, Today!!!

The following poster popped up in my Facebook news feed recently, and based on the context, I took it to mean that in that particular person's view, the whole country was getting its collective star-spangled panties in a twist over no biggies like psychotic, delusional white supremacists flying the confederate flag in 2015; black people dying in disproportionate numbers in police custody; and women getting raped with impunity in the good ol' U.S. of A on the daily, because apparently that stuff isn't worth being offended by in 'Murica. 

Weeeeeell . . .  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to concede that point, but I would very much like to accept the invitation of this poster and list 23 additional things I'm offended by, today!!!

1. The use of three exclamation points in this poster, where clearly not even one is called for.

2. The use of a comma in this poster where it does not belong.

3. The absence of a comma in this poster where it does belong.

4. The presence on this poster of the exact same bird I'm pretty sure I just saw flying over the Juneau recycling center not fifteen minutes ago.

5. The fact that I feel bloated and disgusting, and yet in spite (or perhaps because) of that fact, I just inhaled 1.15 oz. of Justin's all-natural maple almond butter straight from the foil packet.

6. People who refuse to respond to me within five seconds of my contacting them in any electronic medium.

7. Junk mail from anywhere, but especially insurance companies, credit card companies, and anywhere I went to school. (I mean, I feel like hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition and student loans should at least buy you a reprieve from junk mail).

8. That it's lunchtime and no one has said, "Good Job!" and patted me on my head yet today.

9. That vanity sizing is a myth of self-delusion and I am not and never will be a size 6 in any reasonable reckoning of that size, not even and especially at Banana Republic.

10. That my $472 wrinkle cream might not actually be getting rid of my wrinkles.

11. Bad grammar and the people who use it. (See also #1-3, above).

12. Donald Trump's big, orange, combed-over, douche-baggie head. 

13. Too much bluegrass music.

14. People who scream, "more cowbell!" and mean it.

15. Amateur fireworks.

16. Shitty beer.

17. Cats.

18. Cat food.

19. Cat litter.

20. People who pass you on a double-yellow line.

21. People who make you feel compelled to pass them on a double-yellow line.

22. That I must leave my desk and spend $4 to get the iced coffee I so desperately need and deserve to have magically materialize out of thin air and appear before me.

23. Literally almost every single thing about myself not otherwise covered on this list and that will still exist tomorrow.

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