According to an article coincidentally published the very same day in Mother Jones, kale is a "silent killer" due to its unique ability to draw thallium--a toxic heavy metal--from the soil, and its frequent consumption can lead to "persistent but elusive problems" such as chronic fatigue, foggy thinking, and digestive troubles. (I question this last conclusion as everyone knows ALL vegetables give EVERYONE digestive troubles).
Far from taking this as bad news, however, I take it as further vindication that trying to be healthy is for orthorexic control freaks, helicopter moms, and fit bit-wearing, triathlon-running pussies. We should all be eating Sweet Tarts and Cheetos three meals a day like I've been saying all along.
Because when I'm being killed by my food, I like it to be loud, not silent! I like to hear the deafening CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH of Yellow #4, Orange #6, and MSG slowly corroding my skin, heart, liver, and neural pathways. I don't want a kale smoothie--that fucking wolf in sheep's clothing--silently slaughtering me with its sweet-nothing whispers of nutritive value that turn out to be little more than the Grim Reaper's whispers of DEATH!
And I'm pretty sure all of this stuff makes a LOT more noise than a kale smoothie (or even non-smoothied kale) as it murders you from the inside out:
Please amend yesterday's recipe for Kale Krack to add the following final step: garnish with a crumbling of Cheetos (tm) croutons.