Monday, July 27, 2015

10 Things I'd Tell My July 26, 2015 Self

I've decided to add to the cacophony of navel-gazing internet listicles wherein people write up lists of things they would have told themselves at some other age or stage of life. 

Frankly, I think these lists are too few and far between, and much too broad in their scope. It's high time that we all write these lists EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY OF OUR LIVES, so that each of our daily regrets and insights is adequately and meticulously cataloged for posterity. 

So I'm starting today's list with yesterday, and it's called "10 Things I'd Tell My July 26, 2015 Self":

1. Don't read a list in The New York Times of ten things someone told her formerly medicated self immediately after happily, readily, and gratefully swallowing 20 mg of Prozac.

2. Don't let this happen to your hair:


3. Recycle this magazine if it ever shows up in your mailbox:


4. Skip the beet salad.

5. Don't stay up until midnight watching back-to-back episodes of "The Killer Speaks" on A&E.

6. When you finally do go to bed, charge your iPhone on another level of the house.

7. Make your kids clean up their shit hole bedrooms or finally suffer the fucking consequences once and for all.

8. Just because you biked ten miles on flat pavement without dying or being transported to the hospital in an ambulance doesn't mean you're in shape.

9. The vow you made to yourself today to quit sugar indefinitely is some next level bullshit and you know it.

10. If Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood" comes on the radio, turn it off immediately. Otherwise that whiny skank will be singing "Now we got proooooblems, and I don't think we can sooooolve 'em" at auditory hallucination levels of clarity in your head all day long.

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