Wednesday, June 24, 2015

5 Reasons Why You Need to Watch Dirty Dancing Again for the First Time

Listen up bitches. 

If you haven't dusted off your VHS tape of Dirty Dancing in awhile, I highly recommend that you rewind that shit, put on a pair of leg warmers, microwave some Orville Redenbacher's and torch up a metal bowl full of schwag stems n' seeds for an awesome night in. 

From start to finish, this hot mess of a movie is a tour de force of American cinema, and here are five reasons why you need to watch it again for the first time:

1. Fuel for the Female Wank Tank: C'mon, don't even front. You know Patrick Swayze a.k.a. Johnny Castle's black skintight unitard gives you that tingly feeling way down in the no-nos. And when he starts humping on Jennifer Grey a.k.a. Frances 'Baby' Houseman while balancing on a tree trunk over a creek, well, all I can say is put in for leave at work and buy some extra batteries, because you're gonna need 'em.

2. "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner": This movie is worth it for that line alone. You can just skip ahead to the scene where Johnny Castle tells Baby's whole family that nobody "puts [her] in a corner" and replay those 5 seconds over and over again. You can also go on YouTube and do the same exact thing, skip all of the other advice in this blog post, and still have the time of your life.

3. The Time of Your Life: Until the theme song from Titantic came along, this was literally the cheesiest and most insidious earworm ever broadcast on public airwaves. Even just saying it now, you know it has burrowed a deep groove into your skull: "I've HAAAAD the time of my LIIIIFE and I owe it all to yoooooooooouuuuuuu!" Boom. Done.

4. A History Lesson in the Catskills: Illegal abortion, class tensions, homely girls with big schnozes punching above their weight, shrill older sisters, benevolent patriarchs, and sleep-away camp for Jewish families in the 1960's. Who needs college? You can seriously learn everything you need to know about American history and popular culture from this film alone.

5. Johnny Castle/Baby Houseman Hate Sex: Part of what makes the relationship between the two protagonists in this movie so good is that they come from opposite sides of the tracks and basically hate each other. If you've ever had sex before, you know it's WAY better when you totally hate the person you're fucking. So watching these two take their hateration straight to the sack is spectacular! (see also #1).

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