Monday, June 29, 2015

5 Career Options for Donald Trump in the Highly Unlikely Event That He Fails to Become the Next President of the United States

According to today's New York Times, NBC gave Donald Trump his signature "you're fired" for calling Mexican immigrants rapists, drug dealers, and criminals. 

Assuming The Donald loses the lawsuit he plans to file against NBC over this egregious firing, and in the highly unlikely event that he does NOT become the next President of the United States, it'd be prudent for The Donald to ask himself what color his parachute is, and consider some alternative career options. 

Here are five I came up with. You're welcome, Donald! My career coaching invoice is in the mail:

1. Doula: The world needs more male doulas (moulas?) and I think The Donald would make a wonderful doula. Donald the Doula! The Donald is a self-proclaimed pussy hound (those are more or less his words, I'm paraphrasing of course) and is highly attuned to women's issues, since he is irresistible to them. He has also sired multiple babies and grand-babies. So he knows his way around a woman's body, he'll have you know.

2. Spokesperson for the Color Orange: The Board of The Color Orange needs a spokesperson. Given the hue of The Donald's hair, eyebrows, and skin, there is no better representative for Orange than The Donald. Oh, you didn't know colors had boards and spokespeople? Well they don't, but they will once Donald gets into the biz! He's a cutting-edge entrepreneur who can be counted on to commodify anything, even a color.

3. Chair of The NAACP or the Anti-Defamation League: Following in the footsteps of white hot mess Rachel Dolezal, the fluorescent orange Donald would be an ideal chair of the NAACP, especially given his documented sensitivity on race issues, dating back to the 1973 investigation by the U.S. Justice Department into racially discriminatory employment practices in his real estate businesses. He would also make a great board member of the Anti-Defamation league, whose mission is to combat anti-Semitism, as he's allegedly said: "Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day." (Yes, seriously).

4. Chipotle Chip & Dip Sample Distributor: The only fitting response to The Donald's statement on Mexican immigrants is for him to get a job working at Chipotle Mexican Grill as a chip and dip distributor. He could don (no pun intended) one of those sombrero hats with a dip bowl in the middle and chips around the edge, and walk around offering samples to customers on bended knee at the Chipotle franchise off Route 98 in Scranton, PA. A free cheese quesadilla supreme would go to the first person who found one of Donald's combed-over hairs in the salsa verde.

5.Beauty School Head Model: Since The Donald is famous for his controversial coif, it seems only fair that he donate his head to science. If you look at that hairdo and say to yourself, "I'd give anything for 30 seconds with that marmalade coated, cotton candy rat's nest," you can only imagine what aspiring hair colorists and stylists are saying at beauty schools all over the nation. 

Donald Trump March 2015.jpg

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