Monday, May 11, 2015

This Gem from the Juneau Police Blotter Omits a Crucial Detail

According to local reports, a 33 year-old Juneau woman was arrested this weekend after smashing seven flat-screen TV's with a hatchet at a local store. While we know the TVs were valued at $5,000 and the woman is being held without bail, no one is reporting what was ON the TV's at the time of the smashing. Now, I'm no criminal defense lawyer, but if this woman were my client, I'd want to know what was on the TVs in order to present some mitigating factors. Possibly helpful mitigating programs include:

1. Keeping Up With the Kardashians
2. American Idol
3. Football featuring Tom Brady's Face
4. Real Housewives of Anywhere
5. Girls starring Lena Dunham
6. Any Adam Sandler movie
7. Nancy Grace

Because every time I see any of these, my hand starts to twitch and I experience the urge to pick up a blunt instrument and destroy my television. I think what was ON the TV's sort of makes all the difference in the world, don't you?

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