Friday, May 8, 2015

The "Dad Bod" is Hot, But Take Heart Moms! Your Body is Still Hideous

Calling all moms! 

I've got some big news for you, and unless you've been living under a rock for the past week, you've probably heard it already. But just in case you have been living under a rock (or were maybe just stuck in a really long Pilates class or blacked-out from starvation or something), the "Dad Bod" is in, and O.H.M. is here to tell moms everywhere exactly what that means. 

Everyone from Leonardo DiCaprio to frat boys at Clemson University who are not even dads yet are rocking the Dad Bod. What is the Dad Bod, you ask? It's basically a soft, cushy, beer gut that develops from maintaining a steady diet of pepperoni calzones and chugging a six pack of Coors at midnight, followed by sporadic jogging around the block once or twice a week. As the 19 year-old college co-ed (and presumably not-yet-a-mom) author of the above-linked article points out, "there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural and attractive," before listing "a few reasons that girls are crazy about the dad bod."

The hell?!


Now, you might be asking yourself, what does this mean for me--a mom? Will the "Mom Bod" now be considered "hot?" Because it would be logical to conclude that your body--which sustained and carried one or more actual human beings inside of it for nine months and then fed that human being for up to a year afterward and will never be the same again--will now be celebrated as the beautiful and amazing life-giving machine that it is. Or that if you adopted a child, that you might be able to focus on mothering that child, which is equally beautiful and amazing, instead of spending half your day making sure your arms don't look fat in a tank top next summer. Or that even if you don't have kids, you might be entitled to the same torso as an A-list movie star.

Well, ha ha! Not so fast. Take heart and keep on doing exactly what you're doing ladies, because I can assure you that your body is still 100% hideous. 

Your saggy titties, stretch marks, rolls of abdominal and back fat, double-chin, and tricep and thigh flab saddle-bags are still just as vile as ever! So don't quit the Paleo diet, don't quit researching the best plastic surgeons in your area, and for the love of all that's holy, whatever you do, don't stop weighing yourself obsessively and crying while you take 200 shits a day courtesy of a juice cleanse. 

Because while your husband or partner or boyfriend or neighbor or whatever Joe Q. Public might be able to get away with eating three maple-bacon donuts for breakfast and never moving his "Dad Bod," you need to keep going to power yoga and drinking that celery juice, because your body is still hideous.

Just keep that in mind while your husband or partner or boyfriend or neighbor or whatever guy you're sleeping with takes a couple seconds to dig his dick out from under his Dad Gut the next time you have sex.

And definitely, definitely don't listen to people like Brian Moylan of Time Magazine, who encourages us to see the "Dad Bod" for what it is: "a Sexist Atrocity." Brian Moylan is a man, after all, and he clearly doesn't understand how invested women are in staying hideous.



Shirtless man standing in kitchen with arms crossed, mid section, close-up
Getty Images

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