Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Soren Kierkegaard Goes to Applebee’s

Before ordering an entrée, man must first know one of at least three new shareable appetizers: the “green bean crispers” (battered and fried green beans in a lemon aioli for $4.00); the “sweet chile brisket sliders” (spicy sweet Asian chile sauce, fresh diced pineapple for $9.00); or the “grilled chicken wonton tacos” (spicy chicken-stuffed wonton shells, slaw, and cilantro for $7.00).

For not until man has voraciously consumed a hearty “pub plate” of “kobe-style meatballs” (Pomodoro sauce, sliced ciabatta, and Parmesean blend for $7.00) or the all-new-this-month “salsa verde shredded brisket nachos” (spicy queso blanco, Jack & cheddar, pico, and sliced fresh jalapenos for $9.00) does he see the course set before him for his main dish. 

Then and only then does man gain peace and meaning sufficient to place an order with his cheerful, buoyant server for the reasonably-yet-seemingly-randomly-priced “Applebee’s Riblets” glazed in a smoky chipotle sauce for $12.29, or perhaps the “Sizzling Double Barrel Whiskey Sirolin" for $12.49, or for lighter fare, man might favor the “Savory Cedar Salmon" for $12.99.

Indeed, only after consuming the full compliment of his entrée in the casual, corporate dining atmosphere with a small doggie bag to take home and devour three hours later while playing X-Box can man be said to be "eating good in [his] neighborhood" and considered free of that irksome, sinister traveling companion--that irony of life, which manifests itself in the sphere of knowledge and invites true knowing to begin with a blue agave "rita" or a flavored mojito prepared by Applebee's own "mixologists" made with Curzan rum muddled with fresh mint, lime juice, and sugar served over ice and topped with club soda.

When man struggles with the prospect of dessert, rejoicing in having overcome temptation's power, there may come almost at once, right on the heels of a "fiesta chopped chicken salad" or hand-crafted "all-in burger," a "hot fudge sundae dessert shooter" or "mini salted caramel pretzel bites," each for under $5.00. In vain he tries to resist it, but he has not sufficient strength to overrule his passion for refined sugar and processed starches.

Often when a person has concentrated on something, a minor external circumstance arises which destroys everything. And that thing is the fact that Applebee's has something called "our music" with contracted artists man has never known to exist beyond the slimmest horizon of our consciousness. Bands like "Black Pistol Fire" and someone named "Josh Jenkins." Because "what goes great with good food?" The answer is--and can only ever be--"good tunes," according to the word of Applebee's Grill & Bar, with almost 2,000 locations and counting. 

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