Wednesday, May 27, 2015

More Tantalizing Forays Into Softcore Momerotica

Last week, I announced that I was embarking on a new career of writing erotic dinosaur fan fiction for moms featuring Chris and Martin Kratt of The Wild Kratts and "Dr. Scott the Paleontologist" of Dinosaur Train

The response to my proposal was so enthusiastic, that I am now vetting further ideas for the "Softcore Momerotica" genre. Here are five scintillating previews of what the future holds for my new creative endeavor:

Flynn Rider's Raunchy Castle Rescue: Flynn Rider--Disney-Pixar's square-jawed protagonist of Tangled and Tangled Ever After, embarks on a daring mission to rescue Mom from school pickup. He swoops in on a rope just as another, better-dressed mother is about to pass judgment on Mom for eating carbs and wearing a brand of yoga pants that is not Lululemon. As Flynn gathers Mom's limp, demoralized, and insufficiently toned body in his arms, he nuzzles his stubble against her ear and whispers in a hoarse voice that Rapnunzel means nothing to him, and he is taking her to HIS castle now . . .


Kristoff's Toasty Hot Campfire: The Polar Vortex has once again descended on the East Coast, and Mom is experiencing the frigid hell of her third consecutive snow day. She's about to mix Baileys into her sixth cup of coffee of the morning when suddenly, Kristoff--tall, rugged, and handsome Viking hero of Disney's Frozen franchise--knocks on the door to see if he can help shovel her driveway. "Oh, you can shovel my driveway," Mom says in a husky voice. The children are distracted in the other room with an episode of "The Backyardigans" as Kristoff places his giant hands firmly-but-gently on Mom's hips, gazes deeply into her eyes, and slowly guides her toward the electric fireplace in the family room without even tripping over a single Lego . . . 


Mister Rogers' Naughty Neighborhood: Mom always thought kindly old Mr. Rogers was just another sweet man living next door. Then again, it was always sort of attractive, the way he would take off his coat, put on a sweater, and change from shoes to sneakers with such regularity and discipline every day. And his graying temples made him seem more "Cary Grant" than "Dirty Old Man." Sometimes, Mom was certain Fred (he said she could call him "Fred") was catching her eye from across the lawn as he polished his toy trains. One sunny afternoon, Mom finds herself alone at home, mixing a giant batch of sugar water for another stupid lemonade stand the kids have demanded. She's just about to measure another cup of lemon juice when suddenly, she feels a brush of cable-knit on her bare shoulder and hears Fred whisper softly on her tingling skin, "Won't you be my neighbor?" . . .


Prince Eric's Erotic Beach Adventure: It feels like forever since Mom has thought about Disney's Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. She might have seen him on Facebook recently, but she's tried pretty hard to forget him. Mom is at her summer rental on Cape Cod and has just finished sending the kids off to play on the beach with the babysitter, when she decides to go for a quick swim in the ocean. But she finds herself in a rip tide! Out of nowhere, Prince Eric motors up on a yacht and hoists her aboard. As she coughs up some seaweed, Eric tells her that that ginger bitch Ariel is out of the picture forever. He's come back to beg for Mom's forgiveness, and tell her she's the one that got away. He lays her softly in the V-berth of his boat while he brushes a lock of wet hair away from her ear. He bends down slowly and places his rough, calloused hands on her thighs as Mom's damp and salty skin seems to melt under his tender touch . . .


The Man With the Yellow Hat's Curious, Steamy Jungle:
Mom's always been intrigued by the mystique of "The Man With the Yellow Hat." The way he never goes anywhere without that damn monkey, and how he always wears a yellow hat and doesn't have an actual name. One day toward the end of the school year, Mom is 
chaperoning a field trip to the zoo. She's running after an errant brat when she suddenly slips on a banana peel. The next thing she knows, The Man With the Yellow Hat is leaning over her, asking if she's OK. They lock eyes and the chemistry is palpable. Suddenly she knows: She is going to be more than OK . . .

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