Saturday, May 9, 2015

Lesser-Known Gates of the Week and Why They Matter

With “#DeflateGate” dominating the news this week, America has been consumed with the pressing questions of the day. Namely, whether an overpaid animatronic Ken Doll with a chin-dimple the size of Crater Lake cheated at a boring, violent game where a substantial number of the players retire with mild to moderate brain damage. 

Bottom line, Gisele Bundchen's lingerie muse threw a slightly deflated ball around earlier this year, and no one knows what this means for him and his Very Important Career of Throwing a Ball Around (It's like that double rainbow hippie internet meme from a few years ago--Double Rainbow! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!)

Sadly, our national preoccupation with #DeflateGate led us all to ignore some other very pressing #Gates of the week:
  • #EssentialoilGate: If you haven't noticed, everyone and their grandmother keeps trying to direct market you essential oils. This is important because no one can tell you why it's at all essential that you purchase these oils.

  • #KardashianapGate: There have been 10 million downloads of an ap where you can fake walk down a red carpet with Kim Kardashian or something. (This is far more troubling than "#MyIdolGate," which was a large number of downloads--mine included--for a Chinese ap that lets you make an avatar of yourself dancing on a stripper pole. Damn but that shit was fun).

  • #SlateGate: The sudden realization, which dawned on me this week, that every time I read an article in Slate, I feel like I was knocked over by a giant wave in the ocean that put half a beach full of sand and hermit crabs in the crotch of my bathing suit. You need to know about this #Gate (and you need to stop reading Slate) if you want to avoid this level of irritation.

  • #Mani-PediGate: The NYT this week did a muck-raking expose about the treatment of nail salon workers in NYC, specifically how they're paid $1.50 an hour to breathe in chemicals all day until they get lung cancer and give birth to babies with three heads. But someone on the Upper East Side got an $18.00 mani-pedi with gel tips, and that's what counts. This one is a close cousin of  #SomeKidinSomaliaLostHisArmforThatEngagementRingGate. In fact, it's so Gate-a-licious that I might need to do a serious blog post on it at another time.
  • #WaterGate2.0: The original #Gate, Watergate (there were no hashtags in the '70s), has a reboot in California's ever-pressing drought and need for water. Suddenly Tori Spelling's pool and lawn guys might be out of a job, and if that's not a #Gate, I don't know what is. 

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