Thursday, May 14, 2015

I Shall Focus My PhD in Physics on the Infinity Scarf

I have some lofty goals in life. Goals which might seem a bit unorthodox or overly ambitious, but they are my goals nonetheless, and I'm not ashamed of them. One of these goals is to get a PhD in physics with a focus on the infinity scarf.

Just forget for a moment that I barely passed high school physics. Also please disregard the fact that kind, short, portly old Dr. Sengupta (whom I sincerely hope is still alive after all these years) felt sorry for me, because I had absolutely no grasp on the subject whatsoever, other than to rotely memorize “F = MA and other formulas that I would just plug numbers into, hoping I would eventually get the right answer on our weekly quizzes and exams.

BTW, I said “F = MA” just now like I know what I’m talking about, but I’m actually not even sure if F does in fact = MA? The last time I put those three letters together was in a text message where I abbreviated “Fuck My Ass.” (I was telling a friend that I’d just run out of Double Stuff Oreos, and I wasn't happy about it).


I’m utterly fascinated by the infinity scarf. So much so that I think it’s time for a life-pivot and a PhD in physics focusing on the infinity scarf.

See, infinity is an abstract concept describing something without any limit and is relevant in a number of fields, predominantly mathematics and physics. (And yes, I lifted the prior sentence verbatim from Wikipedia, including the italics and except for the word “see,” so don’t bother checking). 

But one of the fields infinity is not seemingly relevant in is fashion, and yet, much like infinity itself, the infinity scarf is everywhere!

I confess to owning a half dozen of these scarves, as opposed to an infinite number, but I question whether the name “infinity scarf” is truly accurate? Is the infinity scarf truly a scarf “without any limit?” There are often strings dangling off of an infinity scarf, so to what extent does the infinity scarf intersect with string theory? Surely there are many ways to wear and tie the infinity scarf, and surely many infinity scarves exist in the world and more are being made each day as global demand for the infinity scarf soars ever higher. (Because they look very cute with a pair of ballet flats and a leather moto jacket).

And yet . . . I do not think this particular scarf can truly be called “infinite?” Surely, logic and basic precepts of mathematics and physics tell us that the number of these scarves, as well as the number of possible ways to wear them, are both quantifiable.

That's my theory, anyway, and I aim to prove it in a lengthy dissertation.

All of these questions and more shall be the subject of my PhD in physics, and I will be starting a GoFundMe/Kickstarter campaign to pay for my tuition. Eat your heart out, Richard Feynman,* here comes One Hot Mess!

*Theoretical physicist and winner of the 1965 Nobel Prize in physics (1918-1988).

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