Sunday, May 3, 2015

I Fucking Hate Face Paint

Face paint, face paint, face paint. I fucking hate face paint. Chances are if you have a child between the ages of 0 and 12, or have recently been around a group of five or more children in that age range, you fucking hate face paint too.
 

Oh look, there's a fundraiser carnival-slash-birthday party for something-slash-someone. There's nothing to do there, but one thing's for sure: there's gonna be face paint! We gotta go get our faces painted. Yeah the adults too. No one's face is safe from the forced joviality of face painting.

Oh Christ. The line is so long. Who cares! Let's stand here with our proverbial dicks in our hands for 25 minutes while we wait for a 16 year-old to paint a little butterfly or superhero symbol on your cheek. Oh yay, it's finally done. Wait what is that? It looks like something Vincent Van Gogh made while he was literally in the middle of chopping off his own ear.

Wow. That's a LOT of greasy, slimy, multicolored paint on your face now. What. You want to buy your own face paint kit from that bitch JoAnn? Cause you know she sells face paint--with glitter--in addition to fabrics. Oh look it's only $40. Let's buy it so you can keep doing this over and over again to yourselves and your friends at home.


Holy shit. It's everywhere! And by the way, what you just made is only the vaguest approximation of the professional looking designs in the book, but don't cry. No seriously, stop crying. You need to realize that the photographs in that book are taken by professional photographers, and the face paint designs were obviously made by professional face painters with airbrush equipment that does not come with this fucking kit and book. And I'm sorry, but no child has EVER been that happy. Not even after getting a perfect Mask of Zoro or Frozen-themed face paint design plastered onto their face.
 

You're tired. Go to sleep now. Oh you don't want to wash the face paint off? You would rather have it get all over your pillowcases and sheets so that we have to wash them, and then the paint gets all over everything else in the washing machine? Ok fine.

And then you want to go to school with a face that looks like your step-dad just beat you up for stealing Cheerios and all of the teachers do a double-take and contemplate making a mandatory report to children's services before they take a closer look and realize that it's just FUCKING FACE PAINT AGAIN?!
 

Oh Ok. Awesome. Yay face paint. Let's do this shit!



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