Sunday, May 17, 2015

Get Outside, Loser!

Um ... Wow. Just ... Wow. Wowwowwowwowowowowowow.

What are you doing? Have you looked outside? Or at the iPhone weather forecast? Haven't you read "Juneau Sunshine FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)?" 

Obviously not, and you're in big trouble, my friend.

Why are you writing a blog post in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself because you just spent the past two hours inside at a Girl Scout ceremony with your heat-stroke stricken daughter collapsing all over you and begging for ice cream, instead of outdoors doing something like kayaking or hiking or biking or anything that will pass muster with the Juneau Sunshine Police and/or at several (outdoor) birthday parties to which you and your children appear to have been conspicuously dis-invited? 

It was really self-indulgent and passive aggressive to include that last part, so you can also add "passive aggressive" and "self-indulgent" to the list of your faults, failures, and infractions today.

Passive aggression and self-indulgence aside, don't you realize that if anyone finds out that you (or your kids) were indoors for even one second of today that you will be looked upon with pity and scorn and shunned forever? If not overtly then covertly, known to all far and wide as--it almost pains me to say the words---Someone Who Wastes Sunshine Doing Unacceptable Indoor Things?

Oh, and you'd also better not tell anyone that you're on your way to yet another indoor event in 45 mintues. Except this one involves both a babysitter and hard alcohol.

Thank God.

But listen. This weather won't last forever. Especially since you have to go back into your office tomorrow. Yes, I said into. You don't work for the goddamned Forest Service. You're a lawyer, not a biologist, and now you shall suffer the consequences and reap the bitter crop of your poor decision-making. You work inside. INSIDE, I say!

Starting tomorrow, the closest you'll come to the sun is looking at it wistfully through 8 layers of office window glass while you eat Sriracha flavored popcorn off your keyboard and maybe the floor. You're not a T.A. in a women's studies seminar at a liberal arts college, for fuck's sake. You don't get to talk about Simone de Beauvoir sitting under an elm tree in the grass. You have to answer emails and phone calls and stand around awkwardly at people's retirement parties with a strawberry and five tortilla chips in your hand. 

Inside. Not outside.

Did you hear what I said? I said inside. That's where you are, and that's where you'll be. For a long time. So get outside right now, before everyone finds out you were, are, and will be inside and therefore were, are, and will be a huge loser.

P.S. It was really stupid to write a blog post admitting that you were, are, and will be indoors today. It kind of defeats the purpose of the aforementioned advice and condemns you to certain loserdom forever.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious. I remember the Sitka sunshine police well. And sadly, those of us over a certain age who work for the Circus work inside, also. So don't feel too bad.

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