Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Deflategate is The World's Greatest Injustice

Climate change. Sex trafficking. Sweatshops. Child brides. Somali refugees. Rape. Natural disasters. ISIS. Baltimore riots. Campaign finance abuse. 

All of it---ALL of it--pales in comparison to the grave injustice that is the N.F.L.'s persecution of the New England Patriots football team, stemming from some slightly deflated footballs that a bunch of dicks threw back and forth to each other and ran around with in a child's game played by adults who make millions of dollars a year for throwing a ball back and forth and running around with it in front of millions of screaming, testosterone-charged maniacs with painted chests and giant foam fingers.

Yes, it is a dark day, not just for football fans, but for all of humanity.

Speaking from the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco today, Robert Kraft, distraught and embattled owner of The Patriots who is not to be confused with a box of orange macaroni and cheese, stated that he would "accept reluctantly" the punishment meted out by the N.F.L., specifically $1M or approximately .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of Mr. Kraft's personal checking account, and the egregious blow of two revoked draft picks. 

To say nothing of Gisele Bundchen's be-dimpled lingerie muse and that tousled-haired hero, saint, knight, valiant quarterback, and Son of New England--Tom Brady--whom the N.F.L. grievously suspended for four--FOUR--games. Godspeed Sir Brady in his appeal of this atrocious sentence. Not since a wrongly-convicted death row prisoner who has served 30 years in solitary confinement before being exonerated with DNA evidence has such a profound miscarriage of justice occurred in an otherwise just Republic. Because even if Sir Brady did cheat, cheating is the American way, and he has earned the right to call himself a Patriot. Just ask Lance Armstrong, Jose Conseco, Bernie Madoff, or Milli Vanilli. To cite just a few of many examples.

Although the proud Patriots will not appeal their sentence, Mr. Kraft was correct to characterize the punishment as "unreasonable," the evidence as "circumstantial," and to note with gravitas and class that "at no time should the agenda of one team outweigh the collective good of the full 32."

The "collective good of the full 32" being 32 teams of athletes, most of whom are by and large steroid-addled assholes, playing a game whose profits exceed the GDP of most developing countries and whose culture is renown for rape (both date and regular), gunplay, and head trauma. In other words, the trifecta of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as it has come to be known in America. And like America, football (deflated or not), goes great with strippers dancers and hot wings at Hooters.

All flags should fly at half-mast on the gridiron and beyond for the abuse of human rights that has befallen the proud New England Patriots today.

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