Thursday, April 23, 2015

10 Alaskan Urban Legends That I'm Starting Today

1. There’s a haunted bathroom in the basement of the Captain Cook Hotel in Anchorage where Richard Gere once stuck a gerbil up his ass. The ghost of the gerbil can be heard squealing late into the night when guests are watching Pretty Woman in Tower 2.

2. On the fifth floor of the Capitol Building in Juneau, there’s a secret file cabinet full of bills that would have made every single day of the year a different day named after something. But no one has the key except the janitor, and he’s in cahoots with Senate Finance to keep them all locked away.

3. A small prop plane disappeared over Talkeetna and the remains of the plane and pilot were never found. But a week after the wreck, a never-before-seen species of brown recluse spider was discovered inside the ear of an Austrian climber on Denali. His head literally exploded because of the pressure of the spider laying eggs inside his ear canal. It’s suspected that the downed plane was actually carrying out a top secret GMO bio-terrorist operation, and all the spider specimens except this one died.

4. Rookie mushers in the Iditarod are subjected to a little-known hazing ritual where the defending champions make the rookies eat nothing but wet kibble for the entire race and they have to drink a cup of Lance Mackey’s urine.

5. All “reindeer sausage” is actually horse meat made from horses de-commissioned by the Mat-Su Valley 4H Club.

6. Johnny Depp has a yacht that docks in Gastineau Channel in Juneau every summer, and sometimes he gets off and Goldbelt Corp. lets him do a surprise guest spot on the Mt. Roberts Tram narrating details about the flora and fauna of Southeast Alaska to the shock and delight of cruise ship passengers.

7. The Exxon Valdez oil spill was a giant hoax staged by Green Peace. The boat was actually named “The Good Ship Lollipop” and its tankers were full of chocolate syrup from Hershey, PA—not crude oil from Prudhoe Bay.


8. Sarah Palin is really a hermaphrodite and Jamie Lee Curtis met her at a hermaphrodite convention and introduced her to Jon McCain who is a big fan of the Halloween franchise. That's the real reason McCain picked Palin to be V.P. in 2008.

9. Osama Bin Laden was actually captured in an igloo on the North Slope where he was hiding out due to his oil industry ties, but his capture abroad was staged in order to perpetuate war in the middle east.

10. There's a lake outside Denali State Park where if you ride your snow machine out there on midnight on a Friday the 13th in winter, and there's a full moon, and you say "Abominable Snowman" ten times into the reflection of the lake, your worst enemy will go missing the next day in a sled-neck gang initiation ritual and never be heard from again.

No comments:

Post a Comment