Friday, April 24, 2015

Sandra Bullock is Fucking OLD, and The World May Never Be the Same Again

The internet nearly imploded this week with the news that People magazine named the actress Sandra Bullock 2015's Most Beautiful Woman at the ancient, wretched, and (to paraphrase the inimitable Amy Schumer), totally un-fuckable age of FIFTY. 50! Five-OH! As in, half a fucking CENTURY

Mary Elizabeth Williams wrote a hilarious piece in Salon about how the world basically stopped turning, birds fell from the sky, and water began running in the opposite direction down the drain in both hemispheres of the planet when news broke of Sandra Bullock's beauty.

Because never before has someone with two X chromosomes in their DNA lived to this age and been gazed upon by human eyes without the spectator either turning to stone, bleaching their eyeballs, going blind, or collapsing into a liquefied pile of irrecoverable hysterics and insanity after viewing the ghastly, beastly, repulsive, appalling, abominable, revolting, repugnant, repellent, detestable, unsightly, sickening, and all around loathsome hag that is a WOMAN of FIFTY years of age. 

FIFTY. Let me say that again so it really sinks in. FIFTY.

It's kind of like that movie from 2002, The Ring. First you see the ring, and then you die. Same deal. First you see a 50 year-old woman, and then you die. That's how it works. It's fatal. (Speaking of which, I think Naomi Watts, the star of The Ring, is almost 50, which is why you haven't seen her in a long time. Hollywood must be trying to protect its customers and not kill them off, otherwise there'd be no one left to buy movie tickets).

Looking at a woman over the age of 50 is especially dangerous when she's being cast as sexually appealing, because such a characterization defies the inviolable laws of the universe completely. Laws which state unequivocally and in no uncertain terms that only a woman between the ages of 18 and 35 can own a vagina that is not a dark, abandoned, desiccated, tunnel of despair and boulevard of broken dreams filled with incinerated ashes, dust, cobwebs, and the wailing, forever-damned souls of her former one-night stands.

I can't believe People took this risk with its readership. Let me tell you: by putting an ancient, wrinkled, wizened, primordial, grizzled, broken-down, geriatric, fossilized dinosaur like Sandra Bullock on the cover of its prestigious "Most Beautiful" issue, People has incurred serious liability from any reader who experiences emotional or physical distress or disfigurement after looking at Ms. Bullock's face, which makes that guy the Crypt Keeper look young, because in case you haven't figured it out by now, bitch is FIFTY. In fact, I just heard a rumor that a worker at Hudson News in Chicago O'Hare has already been carried out on a stretcher, and surely there are more of these incidents to come.

Wait ... remind me. How old is George Clooney again? I've heard he's good friends with Sandra Bullock, and I'm curious to hear how he's taking this news, or maybe if he himself has been harmed by it. 

Oh wait. I just checked on Wikipedia. He's 53. Man, that guy is fucking HOT.

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