Thursday, April 16, 2015

How to Tell if Your Car is Gay

A few weeks back, I told my readers how to tell if their pizza is really good Christian pizza, and I made sure that everyone knows the gay agenda

Well, now some douchenozzle who owns an auto-body repair shop in Michigan is jumping on this new business model and threatening to not fix gay cars, and probably banking on a flood of homophobic Benjamins rolling in in the process. He says: "I am a Christian ... Homosexuality is wrong, period. If you want to argue this fact with me then I will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works."



BOOM! That nuts and bolts reference is so clever! This guy is a regular Oscar Wilde! Oh wait, Oscar Wilde was gay. Anyway, whatever. I’m SO glad this dude is making sure that all the cars he fixes are good Christian, hetero cars. But what if your car is actually gay? How can you tell? Here are ten tell-tale signs:

1. It's a Subaru Outback or a Subaru Forrester.

2. It spends a lot of time in the garage and appears secretive and withdrawn.
3. It seems overly preoccupied with the size of its tail pipe.
4. Its horn toots out Madonna's Vogue instead of a regular horn sound.
5. It's painted bright purple or neon green.
6. The stereo constantly plays Melissa Etheridge, even when you switch to Slayer.
7. There's a pink feather boa wrapped around the antenna.
8. When you ask its carburator to recite a bible passage, it looks at you blankly.
9.  Every time you set the GPS to "Church of God," you end up at Williams & Sonoma.
10. Every time you park it, you come back to find a copy of the gay agenda stuck under the windshield wipers.

Beware these ten signs and signals. Your car just might be trying to tell you something.

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