Thursday, April 9, 2015

At Long Last, O.H.M. Reveals The Hidden Gay Agenda!

Crazy, homophobic, bigoted fucking dipshits Deliberative, studious, and pious people everywhere are constantly talking about “the gay agenda," or "the hidden gay agenda." 

But what exactly IS the “gay agenda?” 

Considering the fact that approximately half of my friends and family are gay, I find it unconscionable that I still don’t know what the "gay agenda" is. 

So I did some research and investigation into the gay agenda, and guess what you guys? I found a copy of the hidden gay agenda from the last secret meeting of gay people everywhere. I am now pulling a full-on Julian Assange/Edward Snowden ninja-move by wiki-leaking it on O.H.M. 

Don't forget: you heard it here first!

THE GAY AGENDA 
(CONFIDENTIAL)
April 9, 2015
8:00 a.m.
  • Review and approve minutes from last meeting
  • Discussion and decisions re: how not to get fired for being gay
  • Discussion and decisions re: how not to get kicked out of a hospital while your partner of 25 years lies dying
9:00 a.m.
  • Discussion of constitutional principles of separation of church and state 
  • Renew appointments of board of directors (Lady Gaga up for second term)
  • Executive session re: the "homosexual lifestyle" (also known as living and breathing)
10:00 a.m.
  • Review company dress code (bottom line: no tacky clothes)
  • Approval of stock options (Board last month approved stock in Memories Pizza)
  • Discussion and decisions re: "indoctrination" of people into the "homosexual lifestyle" (also known as existing in/interacting with the rest of society)
11:00 a.m.
  • Quarterly earnings and loss statement
  • Roll call of inanimate objects that share the gay agenda (e.g. Disney movies; bakeries in Florida and Colorado; pizza; the Harry Potter books)
  • Viewing of season 1, episode 1 of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
12:00 p.m.
  • Lunch (NOT pizza from Memories or Chick Fil-A)
[NEXT UP: The "Feminist" Agenda]

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