Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Ask a Well-to-Do, Crotchety Sourdough Living in Urban Alaska

Listen, I’ve lived in Alaska a LONG time, and let me tell you, it’s not like it used to be. Not that YOU would know. Back in MY day, also known as the Pleistocene Era, so many more people lived off the grid. This was when men were men, and women were a spoon rest for my dick, mostly.

When I first drove up the AL-Can from Michigan, with twelve dogs, 18 guns, and a dream all shoved into the back of my rusty old Volkswagen, I rented a log cabin five miles out of town with a wood stove and no running water and hunted and foraged every single thing I ate and drank. Well, I mean, I did that for a year anyway (with some help from people who knew what they were doing) before I went back to grad school at UAF and lived on campus and got a job with BP’s corporate office and bought myself an airplane, a boat, and a 4,000 square foot house (with running water) and views of six mountain ranges. They also had running water at UAF, as I recall.

Anyway, you my young friend have no credibility because you did not do all of these things in 1963. You will never understand! You have no right to try to change anything around here or complain about anything or try make this state "a better place." How would YOU even know what that means? YOU just got here. What's that you say? So did I? Yeah, I know that established and complex cultures of people were living and thriving here for tens of thousands of years, like long before I was even a sperm cell in my daddy’s ball sack, but I know Alaska, and I know what I’m talking about.

Excuse me hon, I gotta run. They’re having a sale at Cabela's and I have to get there before it closes.


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