Sunday, April 12, 2015

A Huge Bag of Nope


This is a picture of a shark (obviously). I think it's a Great White, or maybe a Tiger Shark, or perhaps a Reef Tip. It definitely looks like something from one of Isaac's shark books, and I'm just rattling off names to show off now. Whatever the species, it's a humongous bag of nope, nay, never, I don't think so, no you didn't, fuck that shit, I can't even, not having it, I ain't featuring that, peace out mother fucker, and sharks can suck my dick from behind the bullet proof glass of a bazillion gallon tank inside the Baltimore Aquarium right between the gift shop, the cafeteria, and the puffin exhibit.

This photo was taken by two suicidal friends who decided a fun "vacation" would be to do what I have opined at length that no primate was ever meant to do: venture into the depths of the ocean-- and worse yet--swim around in said depths taunting sharks by getting up in their double-rowed-teeth grills with cameras. SHARKS FOR FUCK'S SAKE! 

I once abandoned my best friend in flight from a shark that turned out to be a dolphin. Thus, the idea of voluntarily seeking out contact with underwater predators that are eyeing your limbs like cocktail weenies is NOT my idea of a good time.

It should be noted that these same friends are doing more stupid shit on this trip, such as getting into hot air balloons and spending even longer periods of time under water and possibly jumping out of an airplane, for all I know. 

They are living life to the fullest, and cheating death in the process. My idea of living life to the fullest is eating spaghetti and pesto until my lower intestine feels like it's going to burst from my belly button, in an event akin to what befalls Sigourney Weaver in Alien

Only then will I allow my already-dead body to be fed to sharks. And then only to the ones who are living in the Baltimore Aquarium. They are regularly fed and accordingly far less hungry, and therefore much more docile, and thus in turn more likely to approach my corpse with disinterest.

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