Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Translation Tool for Six Common Technology Notifications

“This Accessory is Not Supported”: Your power cord/charger is irreparably broken. Go out now and spend $30 on a new one. Get the brand name Apple kind. The other kind is crappy, will not work, and will annoy the living shit out of you on any number of levels. (Yes, Apple has you by the short and curlies).

“McAfee Antivirus Software is About to Perform Virus Scan”: Something is about to happen to your computer that has nothing to do with anything you actually need to do on your computer right now. Click “defer," otherwise will spend the rest of the day alternately booting and rebooting your computer and banging your head against your desk.

“A New Software Update is Available”: When you click this button and initialize this process, your phone/tablet will shut down for at least two hours. When it finally comes back to life again, it won’t work and all of your data will have mysteriously vanished. You will then be on hold with Apple for the rest of the day.

“[INSERT NAME OF AP] Would Like to Send You Push Notifications”: This ap will bother you at every possible moment, and despite being a free download, is trying to separate you from as much of your money as possible, as frequently as possible. This is the last time you will download "Barbie's Dream Closet" or "Doughnut Maker" for your daughter out of desperation on a long plane ride.

“Your Session Has Expired. Please Log Back In”: Go ahead and wrack your brain for your username and password. I bet you don’t know it! Now send a bunch of emails back and forth with temporary passwords to a robot server until you reset your password to something you are certain to remember this time. Then do the same exact thing all over again three days from now.

“Java Script Error 457871”: Call I.T. This isn’t something you could possibly understand even if you wanted to. Your only context for the word "Java" is coffee and your only context for the word "Script" is your high school production of "Bye Bye Birdie." Like I said. Give up now and call I.T.

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