Thursday, March 26, 2015

The Onion's Rejection Letter to a Dipshit Frat Boy Who Thinks Non-Consensual Photos of Nude and/or Unconscious Women Are "Satire"

Amanda Marcotte reported in Slate last week on a scandal underway at Penn State University, where one of those ever-reputable, inclusive, progressive, safe, kind, feminist, and all-around great-for-society organizations known as college fraternities was revealed to have a secret Facebook page featuring non-consensual photographs of naked and sometimes unconscious women in "sexual or embarrassing positions." 

One of the upstanding young men involved in this--let's call it, "situation"--(those implicated bristle at the word "scandal")--has defended his wrongfully maligned and unfairly persecuted frat in an extensive, anonymous interview with Philadelphia Magazine, in which (among other gems) he characterizes the Facebook page in question as pure "satire."

Here is literally what this little dipshit and his dirty white hat had to say on the matter:

The thing is, that it was a satirical group. It's like, there's literally sites like that that millions of people access, whether it's totalfratmove.com or any of the other thousands of sites that post, you know, pictures of girls and post funny text conversations and Snapchat stories and things like that. It was a satirical group. It wasn't malicious whatsoever. It wasn't intended to hurt anyone. It wasn't intended to demean anyone. It was an entirely satirical group and it was funny to some extent. Some of the stuff, yeah, it's raunchy stuff, as you would expect from a bunch of college-aged guys. But, I mean, you could go on any one of hundreds and thousands of different sites to access the same kind of stuff and obviously a lot worse and a lot more explicit ... it's not funny. Funny's not always the right word. It's satire."

O.H.M. now imagines what would happen if this kid applied for a summer internship at The Onion, the online news satire magazine:

Dear Dipshit Frat Boy Who Thinks Non-Consensual Photos of Nude and/or Unconscious Women Are "Satire":

Thank you for your interest in a summer internship with The Onion. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a position at this time. 

You see, we are a satire magazine, and although you reference "satire" no fewer than four times in your defense of publishing non-consensual, nude photographs of unconscious women in compromising and embarrassing sexual positions, your grasp of satire is apparently less firm than your grasp of a 19 year-old woman's unconscious vagina, breasts, and thong underpants. 

See, technically, "satire" is: "the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues."

Assuming for the moment that non-consensual, nude photographs of unconscious women in compromising and embarrassing sexual positions are humorous (humor is subjective, after all), they are certainly not "ironic," and presumably not "exaggerated," as they appear to be actual, real, non-consensual, non-ironic, nude photographs of unconscious women in compromising and embarrassing sexual positions.

Please don't be discouraged though. We found your application compelling in terms of its ability to expose your stupidity and vices in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Because although non-consensual, nude photographs of unconscious women in compromising and embarrassing sexual positions do not really achieve these satirical goals, your preposterously indignant defense of this scandal situation certainly does. For as you rightly say, there is "obviously a lot worse and a lot more explicit" stuff floating around out there, and that fact alone completely absolves you of any wrongdoing or responsibility for your role in this scandal situation!

Thanks again for your interest in The Onion, and we will keep your application materials on file. Right next to those of your fellow dipshit frat boy from Oklahoma who just led a racist chant calling for the lynching of human beings and who was so wrongly and unfairly expelled from school and forced to make a disingenuous public apology. 

Sincerely,

The Editors of The Onion.


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