Monday, March 2, 2015

O.H.M. Classifieds: MBDE Seeks MBWE

Extremely boring dude (quite possibly the Most Boring Dude Ever) seeks the Most Boring Woman Ever (or close to it) with whom to spend target demographic years of 25-45 for companionship, conversation, adventure, and a circumscribed relationship of uncertain but limited duration.

I’m currently V.P. of Copying, Collating, and Pencil-Sharpening at a paper company on a suburban corporate campus not unlike that featured in the popular TV program, “The Office,” (which I have DVR'd, in case you haven't seen it). I have a bright future ahead of me as potential district manager for the North-West-South-East Region of said company.

I enjoy sunsets, sunrises, full moons, crescent moons, star gazing, The Big Dipper, The Little Dipper, other stuff in the sky, and long walks on the beach. Only long walks, though. Not short ones. Short walks on the beach don’t present enough time for quiet reflection.

Must love dogs. I have a Chocolate Lab/Retriever mix named Rover and I love to take him on the aforementioned beach walks and throw him a tennis ball with one of those plastic tennis ball catapult things. Whenever I do this, I look like a poster for a Mega Church and/or a walking advertisement for Valtrex. (I don't actually have genital herpes though, don't worry! Although I do get the occasional cold sore. Ha Ha who doesn't? Again, don't worry though: I will wait the full ten days to kiss you on the mouth).

A sense of humor is a must. The perfect woman should love to laugh at boring, tasteful jokes. Also honesty. I value honesty, at least about tepid things like whether you farted and if you secretly hate your parents. (Other things you should feel free to lie about). I also value physical fitness. I work out 30 minutes a day, five days a week on the elliptical, and get exactly 8 hours of sleep per night without waking to urinate. 

So the right candidate will be similarly funny and disciplined. I’m not picky about looks, but 5”6, 125 pounds, dirty-blonde hair tied up in a high, loose ponytail, 36-26-36, blue eyes, and natural-looking makeup would be ideal.

I enjoy travel to developed countries and safe, organized tours of undeveloped countries. I also enjoy reading books currently featured in the top 20 slots of U.S.A. Today’s Bestseller List. When I vote, I tend to do so for the candidate whose face I most recently saw on television.

Adventurous spirit a plus. I enjoy sky-diving, white water rafting, skiing in-bounds, and helicopter tours with properly insured and bonded adventure outfits, as well as rock-climbing on well-established routes. I enjoy a night out on the town, like for a beer and a burger (nothing too spicy) and a movie if it stars Hugh Jackman or Tom Cruise.

I enjoy sex exclusively in the missionary position, three weeks a month, for twelve to sixteen minutes and will cuddle for six minutes before rolling over and falling asleep with my mouth guard in and my eye mask on. I will occasionally go down on you (if begged), but only if the favor is returned (must swallow or spit discreetly). 

I use Crest Whitening Strips and go to the dentist twice a year and the right woman should too.

My favorite band is U2 and I have two tickets to their sold-out concert at the AT&T Arena in Middle of Nowheres-Ville, Flyover Country. Great first date potential?

Contact me at or 555-555-5555. Serious inquiries only.

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