Tuesday, March 3, 2015

MISSING: 7-14% of the Collagen From My Face

A friend of mine who knows what she's talking about recently informed me of the ominous fact that "you lose between one and two percent of all the collagen in your skin after 30."

By that count, I am now missing 7-14% of my collagen, so I am putting out an APB/Amber Alert for my MISSING COLLAGEN.

Please SHARE as I am desperate to retrieve this large percentage of my youth:

Have you seen my missing collagen? It looks like this (under a microscope):



Also answers to "structural protein," "triple helix," and "fibrous and insoluble gelatinous substance." At least 7 and as much as 14% of my collagen was last seen in the vicinity of all over my fucking face seven years ago before I started to look like the lovechild of Bea Arthur and Angela Lansbury thanks to what I think can accurately be described at this point as "collagen flight."

My collagen is whiteish tannish brownish reddish and mushy (I think?) and can be a little skittish when approached. But I'm desperate to get it back and I'm offering a large cash award to the first kindly person who tracks it down for me.

7-14% of my collagen: if you're reading this, please come home to my chin, forehead, eyes, and "expression lines" where you belong, and I promise I will never bake you in the sun again.

Everyone else: please keep 7-14% of my missing collagen in your prayers and call 1-800-SHITIMOLD with any tips.

THANK YOU!!

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