Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Lululemon Says “Stop Breakin’ My Balls!”

Lululemon, manufacturer of over-priced, illegally-sheer Yoga pants for size 10-and-under women is a frequent (and dare I say deserving) victim of O.H.M.’s ire, as in this post from February.  

Now, Lululemon is making my job too easy with their $128 “ABC” pants for men, which stands for . . . wait for it . . . ANTI-BALL CRUSHING pants. These pants and their “anti-ball crushing engineering gives you and the family jewels room to breathe.”  You can buy yourself (or the balls you love) a pair right here, although so many balls want to buy these pants that they're out of stock right now! 

This watershed sartorial development from Lululemon is so significant, that I felt it deserved its own Shakespearean soliloquy, which I happily provide here:

To stretch or not to stretch—that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the crotch to suffer
The pinch and grabbing of outrageous spandex
Or to take arms against a sea of nut-sack troubles
And by opposing end them. To breathe, to move—
Some more—and by that room to say we end
The aching nads and thousand natural shocks
That balls are heir to. ‘Tis a pair of $128 pants
Devoutly to be wished. To breathe, to move—
To move—perchance to chafe; ay, there’s the rub!
For in that vice-like grip wet dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this pair of jeans
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of regular old pants.
For who would bear the too-tight crotch of slacks,
That oppressor’s wrong, the proud stones’ contumely
The pang of squeezed cajones, the shifting fire,
The insolence of polyester, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’unworthy Hanes,
When Lululemon itself might its high profits make
With a bare grundle! Who would normal fabric bear
To grunt and sweat under some sweaty sweats,
But that the dread of cheap pants grabbing junk,
The undiscovered comfort of ABC pants, whose "wide-paneled gusset"
No man returns to the store, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather spend what cash we have
Than wear some cheaper pants that do the exact same thing?
Thus Lululemon does make suckers of us all,
And thus the native hue of crotch-based perfection
Is pasted over with the "sweat-wicking, four-way stretch Warpstreme (TM)" fabric,
An enterprise of great "trouser waistband with belt loops that sit comfortably on your hips"
With a "reflective cuff feature" and "six pockets that make it easy to stash and dash"
And "ensure a slim fit, such that your pants and bike chain won’t cross paths."
The family jewels! Precious in their expanse!
Be all our nuts protected.

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